I ended my commencement talk for the South High graduation with one more question:  “What would I do if I were not afraid?”

Fear often keeps us from engaging in life, from saying hello to the person on the bus to big life decisions.  Fear is often masked in other excuses like: “It wouldn’t work out anyway or I don’t have the skills to do that.”  What we are really saying is “I’m afraid to take a risk.  I’m afraid I’ll fail.”  When my own kids are wrestling with a decision – I will often ask them, “What would you do if you were not afraid?”  When they can glimpse the path ahead and name fear as their roadblock, their decision is easier.  In truth, kids (and all of us) need to learn to acknowledge our fear and take the step anyway – do the fear.

It’s not easy, it’s hard, but with a parent’s or other caring adult’s support, a child can take that step from joining a new class or team, signing up for camp, asking for help, volunteering, calling a new friend, putting effort into a project, and what they find is that they’ve accomplished something that makes them proud – they’re building real self-esteem.

A discerning adult understands the difference between fear and terror. Help a child handle a fear.  A terrified child needs more comfort and support- this is a different story.

How have you helped a child handle a fear?

Dr. Dave

I had the honor of addressing the South High School graduates last week at their commencement. Since all three of my own kids graduated from South High and I have been back several times to speak to different classes, this was a very special occasion for me. I thought I would pass on my thoughts.

For the last twelve years graduates have had to come up with answers. They’ve had to multiply, divide, use theorems, search for reasons in history classes, search for meaning in English classes, spell the words right, create the projects.  

Now at graduation, it’s time to turn to asking questions. For questions are more important than answers. The reason is, is that our brains are built to search for answers to questions. Have you ever had the experience of trying to think of someone’s name, can’t remember it, but hours later the name just pops into your mind?  All that time, without your conscious attention, your brain was searching for the answer to that question. This happens all the time and we can use this brain power to make a profound change in how we engage with life each day.

If I get up in the morning and my first question is: “What lousy things are going to happen today?” Then I’ll spend the entire day looking for lousy things. Whereas if my question is: “What good thing will happen today?” I will constantly search for and notice the good things that happen to me. Unexpected things, sometimes little, sometimes big, but good things that will work to set my feelings about myself and the world I live in. Having our brains looking for the good things also gives us some resiliency when the inevitable bad things happen – we can cope better.

May your question will be: “Who’s the most interesting person I will meet today? If it is then your brain will spend the entire day constantly looking for the best in other people. So, life can be much richer if only we ask the right questions.

What’s your question for your brain each morning?

Dr. Dave

My goddaughter is waking up today with a few more aches and pains than usual. We cheered her on last Saturday as she (and 7,000 other runners) ran Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth, MN. It was inspiring to watch so many people persist through obvious discomfort to reach their goal. The race started out with lots of cheering and nervousness, smiles, high spirits and laughter.  At mile five, the runners were already down to business. It was a warm day and the going was already rough, and promised to get much rougher. What motivated these runners to train so hard, to overcome obstacles, to run through the pain and remain focused on their goals – a Grandma’s Marathon t-shirt?  Don’t think so. Something deeper motivated these folks. The deep down feeling of satisfaction – real self esteem – that happens when you really work towards and accomplish your goal is a better bet. When they cross that finish line, each person has a new hard won identity tag. They can now say “I’m a marathoner,” and feel the well-spring of pride each time they say it.

Many things in life are “marathons” and require effort, work and yes, pain, to achieve. Not everything is a sprint.  Say Yes to No is all about marathons. Teaching our kids the skills they’ll need to achieve their goals. Our kids will face many finish lines and every time they put in the effort to learn a new skill, accomplish a challenging task, complete a course or degree, try something new, reach out to a new friend, help another person, learn from failure, they too will feel that special deep down feeling of satisfaction – real self esteem – that leads to success in school and in life.

My god-daughter crossed the finish line, tired, but with a smile.  Do you have a “crossing the finish line” story to share?

David Walsh

Why do the words “Once upon a time…” trigger a kaleidoscope of emotional reactions in us?   Is it because these words open an entry way into our brains’ creative imagination?   What we do know is that stories are powerful.  They’ve been used through lifetimes to transmit values and culture from one group to another, and from one generation to another.  We humans are descendents from a long line of storytellers.

 

Stories are also universal.  Think of the creation stories, trickster stories, hero/heroine stories, stories about being lost, stories about being found, family stories told in the car or around the kitchen table.  Our history is really a collection of stories that give us a shared memory.  Because stories are so powerful they engage us on many levels: emotionally, cognitively, personally. Because stories are so powerful we shouldn’t leave all the storytelling to Hollywood and video game producers.  Family story telling can give your children powerful memories and strengthen emotional bonds.  So immerse your family in stories – personal stories, tales read from books, tales made up and told around the table or in a comfy chair.  And we can help get you started.

 

We here at the Institute believe so much in the power of stories – “Whoever tells the stories, defines the culture.” - that we’ve created a Parent Guide to Storytelling.  So check out our guide and find out how easy it is. Next week we will also have some short stories from Michael Mann, our staff storyteller and Institute speaker, on our website for you to download!  It can start with four simple words: “Once upon a time...”

 

For another resource check out the StoryCorps Project at http://www.storycorps.net/.  The Corps believes that everyone has an important story to tell and they’ve been traversing the country helping people record their own stories and thus preserving them for future generations.  Listen in, the stories are powerful.  You might even want to add your own.

David Walsh

I thought it was just me.  I ranted at work last week about the information overload that was stuffing my email box, clogging up my cell phone and busting into every nook and cranny of my day.   “When does a person get time to think?” I cried.

 

Well I soon found out that I am in good company.  The NY Times reported over the weekend that tech companies such as Microsoft, Intel, I.B.M., and Google are finding that their workers are losing productivity because of the constant interruptions from email, text messaging, etc. They even banded together to form a group to study the problem and find ways to help their workers deal with digital information overload.  In one effort, Intel employees reported that they felt more productive and creative when they limited digital interruptions. 

 

It’s not only tech employees that deal with digital overload – our kids are wired too.  In a digital world, kids can be connected 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  What parent hasn’t watched their kids doing homework, while responding to text messages, email, listening to music, watching TV, checking their My Space page, or clicking on the newest You Tube video.  When do they get time to think? Or focus?  It is a problem and the companies who’ve created all this magic are realizing the impact.  We need to teach ourselves and our kids how to turn it off for a while and focus on the task at hand.  Our brains really do focus on one thing at a time (think of cell phone use and driving.) Summertime is a great time to practice some digital free space and time.  Then maybe when fall rolls around again – homework time can be focus time.  Do you see an impact from digital overload?  Please share a comment.

David Walsh

In my last blog I talked about Rowling’s advice on the importance of failure.  She surprised the audience again with her words on imagination.  But she didn’t talk about artistic imagination & filling your life with creative new worlds.  She talked about the ability to imagine the life of another person, in other words – empathy.

 

She especially exhorted the audience to imagine the lives of people who live near or in far and distant places, but whose lives are directly impacted by how we conduct our lives, in our communities and in our country.

 

Kids learn this lesson of imagination by learning to share, learning to put other’s needs ahead of their own.  This is how we raise caring, compassionate children.

 

How do you help your children learn this lesson of imagination?

David Walsh

I heard a graduation address last week from J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter.  We expected sage advice from her main character, Harry, but we got so much more.  She surprised the audience by not talking about her success as the author of the most wildly popular books in history.  Instead, she talked about the importance of failure and she talked about imagination.

 

She challenged this audience to fail, to realize that in life you will fail sometime, somewhere, if you have not already.  But not just failing for itself, but to learn one of life’s most important lessons.  Failure allows us to develop the inner resources of resilience – the ability to overcome disappointment and defeat, and to persist, never giving up until we make progress toward our goals.  Failing is hard, it can be painful, but it packs powerful lessons.

 

The lesson for parents and teachers is that we deny our kids the opportunity to develop resilience if we lower expectations or do for our kids what they could attempt to do for themselves.   Thank you J.K. Rowling.  How do you think kids can learn from failure? 

David Walsh

The graduates will get many congratulations over the next weeks and well deserved.  I add mine.  A lot of hard work goes into achieving that recognition, whether the graduation is from elementary, middle, high school or college.

 

But my congratulations go also to the parents, teachers, friends and families of those graduates.  To quote Dr. Seuss:

 

                                                    They’ll have places to go

                                                    and fun to be done.

                                                    Thanks to your help,

                                                    the game can be won.

 

Congratulations!

David Walsh

Kids are excited this first week in June.  Teachers are scheduling field trips and otherwise trying out lots of fun curriculum ideas they’ve been saving up.  Parents are looking at topsy turvy schedules for the next twelve weeks.  What’s the cause of all this energy?  SCHOOL’S OUT!   Kids, whose days have been filled from end to end with school activities, now face days with new schedules, new activities and yes maybe even time where nothing is planned.   This is a time where parents can really test out their new Say Yes to No parenting strategies.  Media often becomes the fall back child care option for summer.  Plan your kids’ summer media (TV, video games, and computer) carefully, so it doesn’t become the dominant activity for the summer. 

 

I tell parents to watch two things for a MediaWise summer:  quantity and quality.  Make sure electronic screens are just a small part of your child’s day and make sure that what they are watching or playing is appropriate for their age.  Especially check videogame ratings.

 

Summer can be a time for creative fun for kids.  One parent I know encouraged her kids to set up a mini golf course in the back yard.  The kids had a great time creating different challenging holes.  If you don’t have a back yard a living room or dining room will work just as well.   For more fun ideas, check out our MediaWise Summer Parent Guide.  Do you have any more ideas for summer fun for kids?  Share them here.

David Walsh

On a beautiful Saturday this past weekend scores of Latino families turned out at the East Lake library in Minneapolis for an afternoon of MediaWise activities from our early childhood program: through-u: Families are MediaWise®.

 

In the parent discussion group that I led there was one main question from parents: “What can I do with my children when they are young to help them be successful in school later on?”

 

The Say Yes to No and through-u recipe for success made a lot of sense to these parents:

 

            Þ Limit media.

            Þ Read and talk with babies and toddlers.

            Þ Establish a secure connection with babies.

            Þ Teach young children self discipline through limits and consequences.

            Þ Use No as a parenting strategy.

 

These parents were fired up and still talking parenting strategies with each other in the parking lot an hour later.   Do you have a pre-schooler?  What Say Yes to No strategy can you share with other parents?

David Walsh