Anyone who has seen the Say Yes to No DVD will remember that Roxanne Battle was an early supporter of the Say Yes to No campaign.  Seven months later Roxanne is more excited than ever because of the response of thousands of parents across Minnesota. As a parent, she knows how such a little word – no – is such a big building block for self-discipline.

Recently Roxanne wrote about the Say Yes to No campaign in her Minnesota Post blog and appeared on KSTP Eyewitness News. If you missed her story you can view the segment (and read her story again) here.

A big thank-you to all who responded to our Say Yes to No survey. Say Yes to No events have spread across Minnesota communities and into other states.  We hope these conversations bring parents, teachers and community members together to discuss how using No will mean success for their kids. As with any movement, we are anxious to hear your stories - stories of your events as well as stories of how using No has impacted you or your community. Thank you to those who have responded.

Here’s an excerpt from one of your stories:

“Before walking out the door to Dr. Walsh's speaking engagement - my 7 year old daughter asked if I was going to that "no talk" she had seen advertised at school; I replied, yes. She responded that I didn't really need to go, because I already said "no" ALL the time already. ….  It was not until I was introduced to Say Yes to NO that I was able to put a reason or name to it like "delayed gratification." I just know that as a child hearing "no" most of the time gave me the internal fortitude to grow up and become a successful person. I always took "no" as a challenge to work harder to earn the "yes"; whether it be saving my money for that one item I didn't get for Christmas or putting myself through college by working full time. …since I was paying for college, I actually went to class, studied and received good grades. …So my resume look pretty good going into early adulthood which allowed me to start at a great company right out of college (when many of my peers were working restaurant jobs for quite awhile - and these were kids whose parents had always said "yes.")

“Even though my husband and I can financially say "yes" all the time, I am hoping that we can find a happy medium so that my children too can take ownership in some of the "things" they save up for and maybe actually appreciate them as well; but more importantly, so that they can become patient, responsible and happy adults!”   - Parent

I talk about restoring the balance in raising our children. Using the parenting tactics that work from No can help restore the balance in our More, Easy, Fast and Fun culture.

Click HERE if you would like to fill out a Say Yes to No survey.

Congratulations to teacher Jeff Kuehn and the students from New Prague Middle School!

Middle school is a time of change and challenge: Real vs. empty praise, competency vs. feel good exercises, doing vs. just finishing. The question for us is how can we help kids develop real self esteem? 

Share your ideas.

Say Yes to No strikes a cord for business people too. Who pays the price when young people enter the job market without the writing, reading, work ethic, and social skills they need to succeed? Certainly the young job applicant pays a big price when he or she can’t land a job or bounces from job to job looking for a “good fit” or languishes in a job that doesn’t pay the bills. Families pay a price because families are often the safety net. 

But business people pay a price too. They need good workers, people with the right skills and work ethic to move companies ahead in this global marketplace.

And in the end we all pay a price. The economic health of our communities depends on the work of skilled, educated people – in manufacturing, technology, services, or education. That’s why business people, involved in their communities, are starting Say Yes to No book reads and discussion groups. If you’ve started a book read or taken part in a discussion – can you tell us why you joined? 

Click on comment to tell us your story.

You can almost sense the wind changing and that can only mean one thing: Senioritis.  It’s that time of year when high school seniors, whether they are going on to college, work, or training will kick back and want to throw all the rules out the window.

A dad came up after a talk in Minnetonka and asked the big question many parents face when spring hits a high school senior’s household (and I’m not talking about spring break – that is another issue.) 

“My daughter challenged me with a tough question that I don’t know how to answer: ‘Your rules,’ she said, ‘don’t make any sense any more.  I’m going to college next fall, living on campus and I’ll be able to do whatever I want.  So it doesn’t make any sense to have these rules now.’”  The dad looked really perplexed, saying “She’s right, in a way.”

My response was measured because his daughter was right, in a way.  It doesn’t make sense to keep the same rules for a high school senior that you have for a junior or even in the fall of senior year.  As you know the job of a parent is to loosen the rules as your kids get older, giving your child more responsibility for their own behavior choices.  But even in the spring of senior year, you loosen, but you don’t let go completely.  Curfew is always the big question.  Responsibilities around the house, schoolwork, other commitments, etc. are others.  Yes, this dad’s daughter should have more responsibility for her own behavior – certainly she will have to self-motivate in college to meet a multitude of demands and responsibilities – but this dad is still a parent.  We know from brain science that a teen’s brain development, especially in the pre-frontal cortex, the area for thinking ahead and considering consequences, is not fully developed until the early twenties.  With this knowledge, I advised this dad to talk with his daughter and find the areas where he could “loosen” the rules, but I urged him not to let go completely; his job is not done quite yet.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!  Being 100% Irish, St. Patrick’s Day was always a special occasion in my family.

But being “special” is not always so easy.  I get many questions from parents of kids with special needs: ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, etc.  These parents feel like they get a double whammy. Not only do they have the challenge of parenting a special needs child, but they often feel like a “bad parent” because the usual strategies that work for others don’t work for them and all the good advice in the world doesn’t change that.

This is why I wrote a chapter in my No book (Chapter 10 – “Wired Differently: Special Needs Children and No”) on using No with special needs kids.  Parents report to me that they are encouraged, and even relieved, after reading this chapter because they learn the unique strategies needed for special needs children.   These parents need a lot of patience and humor, love and energy, support and follow-through to meet their day by day challenges.  But with this, kids will learn the how to self-regulate their emotions and behavior to the degree they are able.

And as a community, we need to support these parents, not blame them.

Everyone has a story about embarrassing supermarket melt downs.  Here’s a tip from a mom in Duluth about what to say when it happens.

In the grocery store check out line recently this mom’s daughter started to fuss – big time.  She wanted something and was loudly demanding it with tears and sobs.  The mom told her, “no” – she could not have the item, they were not going to buy anything today.  Her daughter just screamed louder.

A woman behind them in line leaned over and said, “Oh, why don’t you get it for her.”  This mom looked at her and said, “Do you want to raise her?”  

This Duluth mom knew the important lessons of No.  She knew that if she gave in to her child, when she knows she shouldn’t, that her daughter will just up the ante – next time.  It might seem like a small item – maybe a candy bar – but children need practice with hearing “no” for small things.  And parents need practice saying it.

The big issues will come eventually – they always do.  If we haven’t built up our No skills, then it will be too hard to hold the line when the stakes are really high.  And our kids will know that “No doesn’t really mean ‘no’.”  It just means you argue louder.

The dreaded public tantrum – what parent doesn’t cringe when their child really lets go in a public space.  It can feel so embarrassing because we feel everyone is watching...and judging our parenting skills. 

A mom from Hopkins told me the other night that she really dreads her kids fussing in public for just this reason, so she made a mental note that she wouldn’t stare at another parent dealing with an out-of-control child.   Recently she was in a grocery store and saw a child really screaming, fussing, and giving his mom a hard time at check out.  She went over to the mom and said, “Would you like me to bag your groceries for you while you help your son?”  The mom looked completely surprised and stunned, and realized the woman was serious.  She was grateful, said “yes” and the woman bagged her groceries for her.

The child settled down, the mom thanked her, then mom and son left, much more composed.  The cashier then looked at the woman and said “Did you know that mom?”  She didn’t and the cashier responded, “Wow, really nice.”

That’s Say Yes to No in action.

Our brains are so marvelous, that 73 countries around the world are celebrating “Brain Awareness Week” starting today.  Neuroscience has given us so many new insights into our brains and why we are who we are and do what we do.  This new brain science is at the heart of the No parenting strategies.  Children learn self-discipline by using their brains and we have learned that the brain’s growth spurts during childhood and adolescence are key times to help kids learn the character traits they need for success. 

We now know that the brain neurons (brain cells) that fire together, wire together.  Children’s brains are literally wired mainly as a result of the experiences they have during the formative years of their lives.  If we do not balance the More, Easy, Fast, Fun experiences that our media-driven world gives to children with lessons of self-discipline, our kids will not have the tools they need to succeed.

We here at the National Institute on Media and the Family will celebrate Brain Awareness Week this week by putting the finishing touches on our soon to be released Brain Power video.  I was very excited to work on this video with the help of our friends at Pixel Farm Interactive because I give an inside tour of a developing child’s brain, complete with neurons firing and wiring together.  Together we explore the newest information from neuroscience on the development of children’s brains right up through adolescence.  Watch our website and soon you’ll get directed to a release of the video on You Tube, as well as info on where to find it in our Store.

If you’d like to learn more about Brain Awareness Week see http://brainweek.dana.org/, including links to Brainy Kids at http://www.dana.org/resources/brainykids/ and Neuroscience for Kids at http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/neurok.html.

I had a question from a young mom this week:  “Aren’t you trying to turn kids into little robots with all this No and self-discipline?  Always obeying the rules.  Where’s the freedom to be a kid?”  It’s a good question and one we spent some time talking about. 

When parents use the No strategies, what they are hoping for is not a little robot, but a child who has all his or her inner skills at their disposal to be successful in life.  Children and teens are faced with choices every day, just as adults are and kids need the skills of self-discipline to make those choices.  Using No when you should will not turn your child into a robot, it will actually give them the freedom to choose.  A child who learns self-discipline is not at the mercy of the More, Easy, Fast, and Fun urges that can keep him or her from being successful in school and in life.

In the end what we hope for is balance.  Our media-driven culture has made the job of parenting so much harder.  Parents often feel more alone today without many of the traditional community supports.  That’s why we urge people not only to read the book No, but also to join in conversations with other parents, to help regain that support and to better understand how to use the No parenting strategies that work.

Many thanks to the metro area county libraries and MELSA for supporting Minnesota Say Yes to No and for hosting No book discussion groups for parents, those who work with children, and all interested community members. Here’s an update on the schedule for those discussion groups.  Check in at http://www.melsa.org/go/parenting/events.cfm for more details:

• Saturday, March 8 at 1:00 PM
  Chanhassen Library in Chanhassen
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Walker Library in Minneapolis
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Roseville Library in Roseville
• Thursday, March 13 at 6:30 PM
  Washburn Library in Minneapolis
• Thursday, March 13 at 7:00 PM 
  New Prague Library in New Prague
• Tuesday, March 18 at 7:00 PM 
  Wescott Library in Eagan
• Thursday, March 20 at 6:30 PM
  Northeast Library in Minneapolis

We are also happy to report that the Healthy Communities Partnership in Fargo-Moorhead is buzzing with Say Yes to No events.  Following a successful kickoff, book discussion reads will be held at elementary schools across town.  Libraries are also joining in spreading the word about Say Yes to No.  Participants’ self-discipline was tempted with dark chocolate, their grown-up version of the Marshmallow test!  I’m not sure I could resist.

Since writing the book No: Why Kids – of All Ages – Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It, I have spoken to parent and community groups all over the country.  One of the topics that I often talk about is Discipline Deficit Disorder or what I call DDD.

Too many of our kids have run-away cases of DDD.   Signs of it pop up everywhere: classrooms where teachers spend more time addressing behavior issues than teaching, a kid’s overgrown sense of entitlement, teens opting out of harder classes, general rudeness where “make my day”, replaces “have a nice day”, inability to stick to a task, escalating cases of the “gimmies”…

Why should we be concerned about DDD?  Because DDD robs kids of self-reliance and self-discipline, skills they need to be successful in school and in life.  It also undermines a child’s true sense of self-esteem.  True self-esteem is built on a child’s ability to handle and accomplish the tasks they face in life.

On a more community level, DDD results in too many of our teachers leaving the profession because of student behavior and demanding parents.  It also impacts our country’s economic future.  How are our kids going to compete in the global marketplace if they avoid the “tough” subjects in high school and college or if they do not have the self-discipline they need to be successful on the job or in a career?   The lessons in self-discipline begin early, they begin small, but they are important and they start with No.