Sometimes saying No isn’t just about candy bars and new toys. Sometimes saying No is about the tough stuff, when a parent can just feel that something is not right. This happened to two parents who after reading the book No realized that their high schooler’s behavior had changed dramatically over the past 5 months. He went from spending a lot of time with a good group of friends and playing sports to spending many hours of his day in his room in front of a screen. He was completely immersed in video games.

They knew for their son’s sake they had to take control and put some limits and rules around his video game play. They had to say “No”.  They did and his outburst and strong reaction was a measure how important his virtual world had become. What these parents quickly realized is that they needed outside support for saying No to their child and quickly sought the help of their school counselor. Saying Yes to No involves the tough calls, when your child will not at all appreciate your job as a parent. That’s why part of the Say Yes to No campaign is the conversations between parents, supporting each other. Sometimes, though, don’t hesitate to turn to your school counselor or other professionals for help.

I wondered how the No message would resonate with my audience in Duluth this past Wednesday. I stood there facing the members of the Juvenile Officers’ Association. These are the police officers who work with our youth, mainly in schools. They were representing our larger cities and school districts to the small towns and communities across Minnesota. The dedication of these women and men was overwhelming. So was their concern. 

These officers, from rural communities, small towns and cities, see student behavior problems growing more serious and more frequent each year. Law enforcement can only do so much in our schools. We can keep adding metal detectors and police officers – but this is not the solution. That is why these officers reacted so positively to the message of No. But even more welcomed was the message that so many parents and teachers across Minnesota are reading the book, going to workshops, and starting the conversations about how we are going to teach our young people the character traits they need to be successful. For these officers, in particular, teaching kids to say no to themselves – to manage their own behavior is a major part of the solution.

The snow was gently falling. It was cold, but over 500 parents showed up at the New Ulm Middle School for their county and school district kickoff for Say Yes to No.

A group of parents came from as far away as Ortonville, Minnesota, a three and a half hour drive. And why did all these parents show up? Because they understand the importance of No for the success of their children. They wanted to learn more and talk with other parents about how to handle the challenges of raising kids in a “yes” culture.

An early childhood educator from Madelia, Minnesota related her experience with a Say Yes to No book discussion group of pre-school parents. As soon as the parents were assured that there were no right or wrong answers – that the purpose of the group was to share and discuss ideas from No and their own experiences, the facilitator could not get them to stop talking. Everyone had stories to tell and questions to ask.

Book discussion groups are popping up all over. Beginning next week all the pre-school and elementary school teachers in New Ulm will take part in No book discussion groups led by their school administrators. Soon after, the parents will start their discussion groups. How does a culture change? One parent and teacher at a time, talking and beginning a conversation about what a child really needs for success – self discipline and the ability to say No.

Sometimes a Monday morning makes you pause. Today is such a day. We honor the memory and work of Martin Luther King, Jr. Our culture is moving forward at such a breakneck speed, it can jolt us to think about someone whose life was so imperative that it changed the people and the country in which we live.

For my generation, Martin Luther King, Jr. was a beacon of hope.  I hope he is for your generation also.

We’ve started a movement here in Minnesota that will soon be reaching parents in other countries as well. Within the coming year the book No will be translated into seven other languages: Korean, Spanish, German, Chinese, Dutch, Japanese and Portuguese.

Often a parent will ask “Am I the only one concerned about the Yes pressures in today’s culture?” Indeed one of the major impacts of the Say Yes to No campaign is the conversation that starts between parents in schools and communities. 

Well, now we know that you are not alone. Parents in many countries and cultures are also concerned and hopefully the conversations between parents will begin in Spanish speaking countries and communities, in Germany, Korea, Brazil, mainland China and other Chinese speaking countries, along with Japan and Holland. Parenting tactics that work are helpful in any language. Success for kids is important in any culture. 

It’s more important than ever before that we equip our kids with the character traits they need to be successful in school and in life.   Saying No when we should leads to that success.

Sometimes we wonder if our kids are listening. Here’s a snippet of a conversation between two middle-schoolers from Winona Minnesota: "Is your mom going to the No! Dude tonight?” “Yeah, is yours?” He answered, "Yup she’s going to hear the No! Dude too...”

Those moms joined over 600 other parents and educators who kicked off the Winona Say Yes to No campaign at Winona Middle School last Monday night. An amazing partnership between the school district, the PTA and the area Masonic Charities energized the community. The Masons, with the work of Clarence Russel, gave away 500 No books to parents. Book discussions were scheduled and sign ups were available through the PTA, Community Education and several local churches.

Our kids are listening:

Lori Ortega, PTA chair, worked tirelessly and shared this story: She told her eleven year old daughter that she had watched enough TV and it was time to turn it off and do homework. Her daughter wanted to watch more TV.  Mom said, “No.” The daughter stomped off saying, “You’re so Mediawise.” Mom smiled to herself and said,

“Yes, I am.”

But any successful kick-off event is just the beginning. Winona Superintendent Paul Durand ended the evening by saying, “Let conversations begin.”

Another word on the use of praise

We’ve had quite a few discussions around the table with our grown children on the latest research on the use of praise. They really keyed into the difference between just telling kids they are “smart” versus praising kids for real effort. One last interesting bit of this study found that smart kids who were taught that their brains were muscles which get stronger if they think hard and exercise them, actually achieved at a higher level than comparable kids who were just told they were smart. 

So, how should we praise kids?

1. Praise the effort more than the ability. Instead of “You’re really smart,” say “I like the way you stuck with that math problem.”

2. Praise should be specific rather than generic. Instead of “You’re good at math,” say “You did a good job on your multiplication tables.”

3. Praise should be sincere. Kids know by the age of seven when praise is insincere and they begin to believe the opposite. “I must be a really bad hockey player if they tell me that I played a good game.”
   
   
4. Praise should be intermittent, not overdone. Intermittent praise activates the orbito prefrontal cortex of the brain, the motivation circuit.

Prior Lake Kicks off Say Yes to No

Almost 500 parents and educators kicked off the Say Yes to No campaign in Prior Lake last Monday evening at the Prior Lake High School. In my talk I focused on the real secret to kids’ success: helping kids gain self-discipline. Self-discipline is twice the predictor of school success as intelligence. It’s all about giving kids what they need to succeed and how parents and educators can help them with future success.

One parent related how “I have to get better at saying No to myself. Kids have never been as good at listening to their parents. They are good at copying their parents. I often take the easy way out: going out to eat when we can’t afford it and impulse shopping for things that I don’t really need. I realize that my kids are learning from what I am doing.”

This parent has realized the fallacy in the old saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” Kids are perceptive and their first and key role-models for what is really important in the world are their parents. Our culture constantly pushes instant gratification, take the easy way. Role modeling No when it is important for ourselves is key to our kids success.

How to Praise Your Kid for Success

Last week I reflected on the use of praise, specifically that telling a child that he or she is smart, can lead to unintended effects on children’s behavior. A series of studies showed that children who are often praised as “smart” may become cautious learners, attempting new tasks only if they feel they can accomplish them. The goal for these children becomes maintaining their label of “smartness”, not building an internal sense of ability, self-discipline or desire to tackle new tasks.  

But my instinct as a parent is to praise my kid when he or she is doing well, or maybe even when they are just doing anything. If I tell them they are smart often enough, they’ll be smart won’t they? What I realized is that my smart praise reflected the fact that I wanted them to be smart – it made me feel good. But does being “smart” give kids the tools they need to be successful? No. So how can I praise my child and help them build the internal character traits they need for success? Two ways stand out and maybe you will have more ideas. The first is to praise a child’s effort. “You worked really hard to finish these math problems.” Or “Wow, you stuck to this project.  Tell me about what you did.” The second is to help your child see that getting something “wrong” isn’t a signal to stop, but just a signal to try or find another solution. Help them not to be afraid of failure. “Yes, you spelled three words wrong on this paper, how could you figure out the right way to spell them?”  “Yes, these geometry problems are hard. What’s your plan for figuring one of them out.”  “Way to go!”

Praising kids is important. Praising kids to build the character traits they need for success is even more important.

Self Discipline = SUCCESS

An interesting article landed in my inbox today: “How Not to Talk to Your Kids” by Po Bronson (New York Magazine, Feb.12, 2007.)

From its title I thought I would be reading about parents who tear into their kids at every turn, nagging or belittling. But then the sub-title caught my eye: “The inverse power of praise.” and I knew I was seeing an article relating to No, self-esteem and self-discipline.  
But what could be wrong about praising kids? If we tell them they are smart and intelligent, won’t that make them feel good about themselves, leading to increased self esteem and success? In No I talk about the three myths of self esteem, the 2nd of which is “Self esteem = feeling good.”

In case after case, study after study, the author found that praising kids for being “smart” led to kids who did not achieve, who were not successful. These kids avoided challenge and only attempted a task if they already knew they would succeed - behavior that affirmed what parents were saying to them: that they were “smart”.

I will continue to explore these ideas in future blogs because how we talk to our kids to build real self esteem and their ability to delay gratification directly affects our kids’ ability to achieve and build success for themselves.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The first days of the New Year always feel special. As I discarded our old calendar yesterday, I marveled at how busy we were in 2007 and how much happened over the days and weeks. Our new 2008 calendar was given to us as a Christmas present by our god-daughter and her husband. They brought a new baby into our family circle this fall and their calendar was a celebration in photos. Little baby Nathan is much like a New Year – full of possibilities.

Our god-daughter, Claire, and her husband, Evaristo have read No and plan to make its strategies part of their parenting for Nathan.  They also plan to be Mediawise parents and follow the American Academy of Pediatrics advice not to let Nathan watch TV during his first two years. We’ll start filling in our 2008 calendar soon with more activities and events, I’m sure. Nathan’s days are filling up also – with wonder and delight, language, play, and solid connections with his parents and the rest of us in his extended family.