Compulsive video and computer game use sparked a spirited interchange on the Dr. Phil Show last Monday.   Concern about violent video games showed how addiction turns many relationships into a train wreck.  Our MediaWise® work here at the Institute was cited as a leading resource for parents, especially on how violent video games and addiction affect children’s brain development.

Real life folks painfully paint stories of relationships on the rocks because video games or the computer have taken over a person’s life.  When the game is more important than the people or the job, school or other responsibilities in your life, then addiction is the problem.  Intervention with a real honest assessment, perhaps with professional help, is needed.   This is why it is so important for parents to carefully teach their kids self-control when it comes to video games.  Limit their use.  Help your kids to be able to say “no” and choose another activity.   Good video games are fun and they can be highly addictive for some kids.  If kids don’t develop the self control they need when they are young, it may be impossible for them to say no when they get older and on into adulthood.  At that point relationships, jobs and school are at risk.

If you or someone you know is at risk see our resources for video game addiction.

What rules do you have for video game use in your home?

Dr. Dave

Say Yes to No book reads and campaigns are popping up around the country and we, at the Institute, are often not even aware.  I was in St. Louis, MO this week, talking to educators, social service people, doctors….people who are concerned and work with kids.   At the community night in Clayton, a community just outside of St. Louis, I found out that their Say Yes to No campaign was soon kicking off and book reads were scheduled around the community.

“Is it too late?”  This is a frequent question of parents of teens.  One parent with a fifteen year old daughter told me she gives her daughter whatever she wants.  I asked her: “If your daughter gets whatever she wants now, what will happen to her when she is out on her own?  Are you preparing her for life?”   The mom responded, “No and  I am going to have to change some things, if she’s going to be able to cope.   Is it too late?”

My answer was that it’s never too late.  It’s easier for you as a parent and for your child if you start when they are young – but it’s never too late to help your child learn the character skills he or she needs to be a successful, independent adult.   

With a teen, you need to do some planning, goal setting, and have lots of conversations.  Think of the top three areas where you need to say “no.”  Write down your reasons for saying “no.”  The top reason might be: “I’m not going to continue giving you everything you want.  My job, as a parent, is to prepare you for the real world and the real world will not give you everything you want.”   A helpful activity to do with your child, is to list all the things your child wants and then talk about and decide which of these things are real needs and which are extras.   (And just because everyone has them or it’s “in”, or popular, does not make it a need.)   The extras can be saved for a future birthday or holiday gift, or your child might need to save up for it.  Doing this will help your child learn to say “No” to themselves.  In their future, it might save them from running up mountains of debt on credit cards and financial ruin.  Our current national financial mess has its roots in too many people not being able to say “No” to themselves.  It’s a character trait that has to be learned.   

Dr. Dave

400 parents and community members in Orono, MN gathered to hear a Say Yes to No presentation.  Starting this week No book reads will start throughout the district.  The early childhood community (ECFE) is organizing reads for parents of preschoolers through teens.

Support continues to be voiced by business and higher education leaders throughout the country.  A business leader in Sarasota, Florida, when he saw the list of my termed “Discipline Deficit Disorder” symptoms, realized the cause of our current financial meltdown is the end result of More, Easy, Fast and Fun.  DDD symptoms include:
impatience, inability to delay gratification, sense of entitlement, rampant consumerism, unrealistic expectations.

Recently in South Bend, Indiana, one of the parents, also a college professor at Indian University lamented that he could see the impact of More, Easy, Fast and Fun in his college classrooms every day.  He felt that our economic competitiveness depends on our kids re-learning some of the Say Yes to No character traits that will lead them to success.

How do you think that Say Yes to No will help kids and families?

Dr. Dave

Nineteen years ago in Allen County, Indiana, Judge Pratt and his assistant Kathy Rausher had an idea to bring together community leaders on behalf of kids.  Judge Pratt was a Juvenile Court judge and his idea reflected his view that the community could intervene on behalf of kids and work to prevent them from having to end up in Juvenile Court.

The first meeting drew 100 people.  Nineteen years later 650 community leaders gathered at the convention center in Fort Wayne, the county seat of Allen County.  Last Thursday, I made my fourth visit to what is now the Great Kids Make Great Communities conference.

Judge Pratt and Kathy Rausher’s idea has become a year round movement with a dynamic full time leader, Megan Kelly.  This year every one of the 650 leaders received a copy of No: Why Kids – of All Ages - Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.  The Say Yes to No campaign was launched in Allen County.  Book reads will take place throughout the county.  As Judge Pratt said, “Say Yes to No is what kids need today for success and happiness.”

Tell us about your Say Yes to No campaign.

Dr. Dave

How children pay attention is one of the more perplexing issues for parents.  A common question I hear from parents is “My son is glued to his video game (or TV screen) for hours.  I have to pry him away.  Yet at school, the teacher tells me my son has trouble focusing on his work.  He can focus – is he not trying at school?”

The answer to this question lies in the brain.  The ability to pay attention is really divided into two systems that are wired differently in the brain.  The first attention system is reactive.  It’s based in the emotional center of the brain.  This attention system is passive and involuntary.  The brain is hard-wired from birth to pay attention to movement and stimulation.  We don’t need to learn this.

The second attention system is focused.  It’s based in the executive center of the brain.  This attention system must be trained and developed to work effectively.  We do not get this type of focused attention automatically.

Now guess which attention system is in play when a child plays video games or watches TV.  Yep, you guessed it – the reactive system.  It is hard-wired into a child’s brain to pay close attention to things that move.  Their survival from an evolutionary standpoint depended on it.  So any type of media activates reactive attention found in the emotional center of the brain.  If this movement is stimulating (and engaging as video games and TV shows are) then we also have a positive emotion attached to it which is reinforcing and wants us to do more.

Guess which attention system is needed for the types of higher order thinking and learning that takes place in school.  Yep, you guessed right again – the focused system.  The trick here is that this attention system needs to be trained in a child, one small step at a time from the moment of birth.  Media will interrupt the training of focused attention if an electronic screen is on around a child.  When that child reaches school, if the focused attention system has not been developed, attention issues may arise when that child needs to focus his or her attention on learning to read, write or think.

What activities do you think help develop focused attention in children?

Dr. Dave

The switch from summer days to school days is always a challenge.  There’s more scheduling, homework, assignments, parent nights at school, communication with teachers, books, clean clothes, lunches …and then when the day is finished there’s the need to sleep.    And yes, your kids need a good night’s sleep also.  A good night’s sleep for kids is key to their ability to cope and learn the next day at school.  A sleepy kid in a classroom just won’t be alert.  When the lesson asks for brain power, a sleepy child’s brain will scream for zzz’s.

How much sleep do children need?  There are individual differences, but here are the recommendations from the National Sleep Foundation:
    1.  Toddlers: 12-14 hours
    2.  Preschoolers: 11-13 hours
    3.  School-age (1st through 5th grades): 10-11 hours
    4.  Preteens: a little over 9 hours
    5.  Teenagers: 8 to 9.5 hours of sleep

Not getting enough sleep can actually interfere with the brain’s ability to understand what’s being said.  Like a series of dominoes, a child’s capacity to learn and cope decreases.  How a child is able to participate and perform in a classroom is directly dependent on how much sleep he or she got the night before.  Even an hour less of optimal sleep has a negative impact.

What is a major sleep thief for kids?  Besides caffeinated drinks, it turns out that electronics in the bedroom, from cell phones to computers and TVs are major sleep robbers.  A child who is hyped up with an increase of adrenaline from a video game or TV program will have a hard time calming down and falling asleep.  Talking on a cell phone actually increases alpha waves in the brain which are not conducive to going to sleep.   

What’s the ticket to a good night’s sleep?  Establish a consistent bedtime routine.  Make bedtime relaxing.  Avoid hard exercise, caffeinated drinks and a big meal right before bedtime.  And most of all keep electronics out of the bedroom.  What bedtime routines work for your child?

Dr. Dave

Resilience is the character trait that sees us through tough times. It’s the strength that picks us up when life knocks us down, helps us survive failures.  Resilience keeps us from falling apart when we face stress and helps us steer our lives back to more stable shores. Resilience helps us pick up the pieces and make something positive happen.

 

Parents intensely love their children and want them to have a secure future. Resilience will be a key character trait. It’s also one of the hardest traits for parents to let their children develop because it involves letting children learn from failure and handle the consequences of their own actions. It’s a process of learning to let go of your child as he or she matures. Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, author of the book A Parent's Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens, outlines in detail how parents can avoid the pitfalls of “helicopter parenting.”  Parents who hover or intervene in their chilren’s lives when they really should stay in the background are not letting their children develop a sense of competancy, that they have the skills to handle life’s difficulties. When safety is the issue parents have to intervene. Parents of preschoolers must help their children in ways that parents of older kids should not. But building a sense of resilience starts in toddlerhood.

 

Say Yes to No gives parents the tools and skills to avoid “helicopter parenting” and build resilience in their child.

I was in Montana last week talking to the school superintendents and community leaders.   These school leaders believe that the message of No is a critical issue.   Montana is excited to organize to bring the Say Yes to No campaign to their parents, teachers and communities.

After my talk a business leader made an interesting connection.  He related that as I was talking, it occurred to him that the financial meltdown on Wall Street is the end result of a “More, Easy, Fast and Fun” culture and the lack of the ability to say no.  Over the last decade we’ve watched executives walk off with millions of dollars while their companies went down the drain.  Easy money was dangled in front of thousands of home owners and buyers.  Easy money flowed into the pockets of those in the financial markets.  Our more conservative banking counterparts in Europe and elsewhere, and our own smaller main street banks only looked on in disbelief as the More, Easy, Fast and Fun culture spread into the finance arena.  On a large scale this is an example of how the lack of self-discipline and the ability to say no, the “gotta have it and gotta have it now” culture can lead to disaster.  

How are we helping our kids learn the character traits they’ll need to be successful in school and in life and avoid the More, Easy, Fast and Fun disasters?

Dr. Dave