Resilience is the character trait that sees us through tough times. It’s the strength that picks us up when life knocks us down, helps us survive failures.  Resilience keeps us from falling apart when we face stress and helps us steer our lives back to more stable shores. Resilience helps us pick up the pieces and make something positive happen.

 

Parents intensely love their children and want them to have a secure future. Resilience will be a key character trait. It’s also one of the hardest traits for parents to let their children develop because it involves letting children learn from failure and handle the consequences of their own actions. It’s a process of learning to let go of your child as he or she matures. Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, author of the book A Parent's Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens, outlines in detail how parents can avoid the pitfalls of “helicopter parenting.”  Parents who hover or intervene in their chilren’s lives when they really should stay in the background are not letting their children develop a sense of competancy, that they have the skills to handle life’s difficulties. When safety is the issue parents have to intervene. Parents of preschoolers must help their children in ways that parents of older kids should not. But building a sense of resilience starts in toddlerhood.

 

Say Yes to No gives parents the tools and skills to avoid “helicopter parenting” and build resilience in their child.

I was in Montana last week talking to the school superintendents and community leaders.   These school leaders believe that the message of No is a critical issue.   Montana is excited to organize to bring the Say Yes to No campaign to their parents, teachers and communities.

After my talk a business leader made an interesting connection.  He related that as I was talking, it occurred to him that the financial meltdown on Wall Street is the end result of a “More, Easy, Fast and Fun” culture and the lack of the ability to say no.  Over the last decade we’ve watched executives walk off with millions of dollars while their companies went down the drain.  Easy money was dangled in front of thousands of home owners and buyers.  Easy money flowed into the pockets of those in the financial markets.  Our more conservative banking counterparts in Europe and elsewhere, and our own smaller main street banks only looked on in disbelief as the More, Easy, Fast and Fun culture spread into the finance arena.  On a large scale this is an example of how the lack of self-discipline and the ability to say no, the “gotta have it and gotta have it now” culture can lead to disaster.  

How are we helping our kids learn the character traits they’ll need to be successful in school and in life and avoid the More, Easy, Fast and Fun disasters?

Dr. Dave

I’m not surprised at the results of the latest Pew Internet and American Life Project’s research report on Teens, Video Games and Civics (http://pewresearch.org/pubs/953/teens-video-games-and-civics).
The report included an overall survey of teen video game usage and related this to political and civic engagement.

99% of boys and 94% of girls play video games showing that video games are as common as TV for this generation.   Almost 50% of kids are playing video games on any given day.  Moreover, kids are mostly playing age appropriate games with their favorites being racing, puzzle, sports, action and adventure games.   I was also happy to see that at least 65% of teens play video games with others at least in the room with them.  This means that these parents have their video game system in the common space of their home, where they can monitor play, not in kids’ bedrooms.

The study also found that nearly quarter of teens do play games exclusively alone; and with online gamers, although 47% play with people they first met offline, another 27% of teens play with people they only know online.

So although this study has many positive things to report about video games there are two areas of concern.  First, Pew found that 50% of teen boys reported an M or A/O rated game as being among their top three favorites.  Gory violence and mature sexual themes are the reason these games are rated M or Adults Only.  These are games that should be out of the hands of teen boys for a whole host of reasons.  Parents and the gaming industry need to still be alert to the effects of violent and mature sexual gaming on the developing teen player.

Second, this study did not directly report on the effects of total screen time for kids and teens.  Whether this screen time is computers, video games, cell phones screens or TV – our kids are spending 44 hours a week in front of screens – more time than a full time job.  This is a cultural change that is contributing to a number of negative outcomes for kids, including the current obesity epidemic.

The conclusion is what we strive to say here at the National Institute on Media and the Family (www.mediawise.org): videogames can be a fun, and educational part of a child’s life if they are age appropriate and kept in balance with regards to time.  This means that parents need to monitor and have family rules for video game play.  This means that it helps parents to have video game consoles out in the living area of their home – not in kids’ bedrooms.  It just makes the parents’ job easier.   What helps you monitor your child’s video game play?

Dr. Dave

A local TV station ran an experiment recently with a group of teens at a Boys and Girls Club who agreed to give up their cell phones for one week.  Here are some of their reported comments:

Adults:
“It's on the phone, it's texting all the time, it's internet.  It's constant."
"I think, surprisingly, they'll learn they can get along better without that stuff than they thought,"
"I don't know what they're going to do with their time. This generation is so used to being completely in touch all the time, 24/7."
"Some people would say they learn to multi-task, but as a parent, what I see is the not focusing enough on one thing and finishing it."

Teens:
"I like texting. It's easy,"  "I do it a lot. Like every hour."
"It's a way to talk without really speaking."

Teens after giving up cell phones for a week:
"I get to interact in a way I haven't interacted in a while,"
"I feel like a just got a chunk ripped out of me,"
"I kind-of miss the feeling in my pocket."
"I almost missed my bus.”

"I've done a lot more, finished a lot more games with the kids than when I had my phone because I wasn't always texting.”
"Keeping myself busy so I don't think about it." (Joined a soccer team.)
"I got back to my artistic side."  (Started drawing again.)

Adults:
"Her ability to concentrate is so much better.   I mean, she literally is unable to associate with people when she has her phone." (Boss)
"Having to stay focused on a sustained argument over several pages or a long discussion is really different than just these short burst of texts."  (College Professor)
“According to a study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project, face-to-face communication is the second least popular method of communication for multi-tasking teens.”

So, what can we learn from this experiment?  One thought is that there are a lot of communication skills that are necessary for success in the 21st century, both in school, on the job, and in life.  Cell phones and other technologies are great, wonderful tools, but some day you are going to have to look someone in the eye and you better have some verbal communication skills wired into your brain so you’ll know what to say.   The teen brain is still being wired and experience drives what connections are made and not made.  It’s our job as adults to make sure that our kids have the range of experiences which will wire their brains for success in the 21st century.

Join the National Institute on Media and the Family’s MediaWise Network (www.mediawise.org).  You can download our free Parent Guide to Cell Phone Use.

Dr. Dave

I am on vacation until September 16th, so please check back after that!!!

Dr. Dave

I’ve had the honor of being at two wonderful weddings these past weeks.  I know the enormous amount of time and energy these two couples put into all the planning for their celebrations.  Checking off all the details for food, music, dresses, tuxes, decorations, table settings, flowers, etc. etc. takes months of preparation.  But the single most important parts of both weddings are the promises, the vows that these two couples made to each other.   With different words, both couples essentially promised the same thing: to love and cherish each other for the rest of their lives.  What a rich and wonderful journey they are starting.

Every relationship, whether it’s a friendship, partnership or a marriage starts out with a promise.  If the people involved are lucky, work hard at it and are mindful in nourishing themselves as well as their partner, they will see their relationship grow into something that will enrich their lives for a lifetime.   

I also realized that some of the character traits these couples need are the same character traits that we talk about in Say Yes to No: being able to say no to yourself, practicing self discipline, persevering, looking at long term goals, and not needing to have it all right now, right this minute.   All these character traits come into play in helping a person enjoy, foster, and maintain good relationships with friends, work colleagues, or with a marriage or long term partner.  I knew both these couples well, and even though life always brings bumps in the road, I know they’ve got a good start.

Dr. Dave

There are some who think the only medal worth winning in the Olympics is gold. But there are at least two examples of silver medal winners who deserve gold for sportsmanship. Serbian Milo Cavic was the swimmer whom everyone thought came in first in the 100 meter butterfly. Somehow Michael Phelps’ lunge for the finish eked out a win by one one-hundredth of a second. Rather than crying foul, berating himself or bemoaning his bad luck Milo Cavic had the personal integrity to take pride in doing his best, congratulating Phelps and graciously accepting the silver medal.

The USA women’s gymnastics team was competing with the Chinese team for the coveted team gold medal when one of the Americans uncharacteristically fell on the final two exercises dropping her teammates out of contention for first place. The next day a reporter asked Shawn Johnson how disappointed she was that she and the team missed the gold due because of one teammate’s mistakes. Without a second’s hesitation Shawn responded that she was proud of her team and made the point that no one gymnast was responsible for missing out on the gold. “We competed as a team and we lost out on the gold as a team.”

One of the traits our kids need to have in life is the ability to handle frustration and disappointment without whining and complaining. While we can celebrate the achievements of stars like Michael Phelps we should also remind our kids that they should aspire to the types of gold medal performances in sportsmanship that Cavic and Johnson showed.  

Dr. Dave

At least one third of the new jobs in the next generation will be in science. Concerns about the environment, global warming, and crippling diseases are just a few issues on a long list that will need experts in science to address. That’s why news from the Minnesota Department of Education this week was alarming. Minnesota is the first of the fifty states to institute standardized testing in science for all its students. While the decision to test for science was good news, the initial results weren’t. Only 43% of Minnesota’s elementary and secondary students received a passing grade, far below the rates for reading and math. That mirrors the news last week that only 28% of entering college freshman is ready for college science courses.

These test results will no doubt spur some needed emphasis on science education in our schools. But we can’t just look to the schools to improve our kids’ performance. As I have written before, self discipline is twice as strong a predictor of school success as intelligence. That is especially true in science where focused attention and patience are key to learning important but difficult concepts.

It seems like we get reminders every day of how important it is for us to equip our children and youth with the skills and character traits that will equip them to tackle the tough subjects and prepare them for a life of success and happiness.

Dr. Dave