I don’t usually read advice columns, but this one caught my eye.  A couple’s dream wedding was to get married on the beach in Florida.  Unfortunately all the relatives, including both sets of grandparents, lived back in Michigan.  The groom was seeking advice on whether it would be OK to tell people not to bring a gift, but just give themselves a “little vacation in Florida” to come to their wedding.  

As I read it I realized that I had heard this scenario before…from friends.   This couple has a lot of choices to make and it all boils down to what they value.  Real choices in the real world always boil down to what you value.  Is this wedding only about the couple, or is it broader, focusing on family and community – how does this picture fit together?   Hard choices.  Of course there are lots of scenarios that could play out: beach wedding, Michigan reception…Michigan wedding, beach honeymoon…each answer sends its own message.   That’s why it’s important for parents to think about the values they want for their children.  Giving kids the character traits they need will give them the tools to be able to sort out life’s choices and easily see what’s really important to them, what values they are living out.

And what was the advice from the columnist?  “…maybe it’s time to learn to say ‘no’ to yourself.”  She voted for the Michigan wedding.

Dr. Dave

Reading specialists are in the middle of a hot debate on whether Internet screen time is helping or hurting kids’ reading skills.  Articles in The Atlantic: “Is Google Making Us Stoopid?” and the latest New York Times Article: “Online, R U Really Reading?” have added fuel to the discussion.

Since the Institute has always had literacy and reading at the core of our concerns about electronic screens in general, I thought I’d add a few thoughts to the debate.   First, we should remember that we are talking about children and not adults.  Kids’ brains are wiring for language from the moment they are born.  Their language skills evolve from listening, then speaking, and in our culture, then reading.  Language and how we think are intertwined.   A rich language base enables a child to use a host of words to describe their thoughts, their feelings, the pictures they see in their brains and the experiences they have in their world.  And further, a rich language base helps a child to understand and take part in the ideas, thoughts and feelings of another person. 

So what we should be concerned about is the language skills of children, of which reading is an important part.  Now remembering that childhood is the time when children acquire the skill sets that will enable them to function to their fullest potential, the debate about on-line reading versus book reading is important.   It’s my belief that to live in the 21st century, a child will need both. A child needs the mental agility that digital literacy brings.  If one is looking for information – the Internet wins, hands down.  And children need to develop the digital literacy skills to find, evaluate, view, respond, and yes, read that information, on-line.  But the child who brings the ability to focus and sustain attention and the ability to delve into a rich language environment, which books can provide, for both emotional enjoyment and more importantly, the wiring of their brains to be able to grasp more complex thoughts, will have greater success in our 21st century world.

The visual stimulation of the on-line world captivates kids.  We need to enhance their language environment through the equally captivating world of their imagination to build a richer language environment.  In addition to books, that might mean more storytelling, more reading out loud, and more shared reading with our kids.

How do you help your kids read?    

Dr. Dave

The University of Minnesota released a study this week that found that for adolescent girls, sharing a family meal at least five times a week during the middle school years yielded benefits that lasted through their teen years.  These girls were less likely to drink, smoke or use marijuana.

A connection with caring adults is the most protective factor for kids.  It's more important than income, family status or religion. Family meals are a way to build that connection. It's the way that people have connected for thousands and thousands of years.  

What do we generally do around the dining room table?  We share the news of the day, we tell stories about our lives.  We connect.  It’s a chance for parents to let their kids know they care about their lives.  It’s a chance to listen.  Kids want to be connected – it’s one of the main driving forces in their lives.  If we can’t signal them that we want that connection, then they will seek it elsewhere.  When our kids were teens, we held that family meal time was important. Even when sports and activities made for crazy schedules we always made time for family meals during the week.  Now that our kids are adults, they still like to drop over for a family meal.  Besides a free meal, it’s our time to connect.

TVs that are on during the family meal will short circuit your connection to your kids.  All eyes will be on the screen.  Your chance for any meaningful exchange or your chance to listen to your kids’ talk about their day will be lost.  So keep family meal time, screen free time.

One interesting fact of this study was that this protective factor did not hold true for boys.  Family meal time did not predict their chemical use.  That doesn’t mean you should let go of your boys.  Boys have the same need as girls to connect, but, perhaps, in addition to family meals.

How do you maintain family meal time?

Dr. Dave

A child sees a puddle on the ground from a recent rain.  How many words that child can use to tell you about what she sees depends on how rich her language environment has been to that point.  Will she tell you about the bug she sees trying to swim across that puddle or the clouds she sees reflected in it?  Will she tell you about how the water feels or what it sounds like when she walks in it?  Will she make up a story?  If she is from a language rich environment, she may have thousands of words to choose from – words that help her be creative in her thoughts and speech.

Summertime is a perfect time to immerse your child in a language rich environment.  Children need to not only listen to, but to speak words to be able to add them to their own treasure trove of vocabulary.   Using lots of words with young children, reading to them, telling stories, and just explaining what’s happening in their world gives kids lots of exposure to words.   Give older kids lots of experiences and talk about them.  Encourage reading, putting on plays, storytelling.  Any activity they do is a potential vocabulary builder.  By age three you can ask your kids how they feel about something and they’ll have something to say!   Give kids the words to identify how they feel, “I know you feel angry.” will help them say it for themselves.

Children have creative, active minds – help them grow with a richness of words. 

 
How do you help your child learn new words?

Dr. Dave

We all know young kids like to move – all the time, anywhere.  Anybody who has tried to strap a toddler into their car seat knows the howl of rage and super-human muscle strength that toddler will expend to get out of that car seat.  They don’t want to sit still!  Pre-schoolers and early elementary kids are happiest when they are doing large muscle activities – running, climbing, jumping, spinning.  They love to play.

 A new study published today in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that even nine and eleven year olds move for at least an hour a day (the starting recommended guideline), with the average kid moving around for three hours. 

So what happens when these kids (even the most active ones) reached the teen years?  Their activity level drops off tremendously, down to where only 31% of teens were moving at least one hour a day during the week and only 17% moved around that much on the weekend.

The body that was built and craved activity during toddlerhood is the same body that is glued to a chair in front of a screen in the teen years.  Opportunities for sports and gym time at school also contribute.  The problem is we know what awaits the non-exercising kids when they reach adulthood – a host of physical and even emotional problems – obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attacks.  We see it starting now where doctors are recommending starting kids as young as eight on drugs for high cholesterol.  This generation might be the first that has a lower life expectancy than their parents.  If you ever needed a reason to say No to inactivity and bring balance to your kids’ lives, this is it.  Give your kids a healthy future, get them active.  Any ideas?

Dr. Dave

We live such busy lives that time to connect with our kids are at a premium.  Summer days bring many fun opportunities for family time – vacations, reunions, days at the lake, park or beach, or maybe just a walk or bike or trip around the city.    These are great fun and we should get in as much as we can during our warm summer months.

But I was reminded this past weekend of another opportunity to share family time – job time.  We were clearing and washing the dishes from our first family gathering with our new daughter-in-law from Peru when I realized that even more sharing was going on than in the previous hour.   We were working together and I realized we were sharing the every day stuff of life.  

We can do this with our kids too.  Modern conveniences, as much as we all love them, can take away opportunities to just work together.   Washing dishes is such a one-person, one-machine job now.   I’m not advocating throwing out your dishwasher, but try to find jobs that you can do together.  Maybe it is washing and drying the dishes by hand, folding clothes, washing a few windows or the car, making a meal together, weeding, or dusting.  There are lots of tasks that need to be done to keep a home in shape.  Include your kids, do the work with them, slow down and chat.  You can make any job more fun.  Our More, Easy, Fast and Fun culture has done a great job of telling us that work is not enjoyable and should be minimized as much as possible. But we miss a great opportunity if the traditional fun time is the only time we connect with our kids.   What jobs can you do with your kids? 

Dr. Dave

There’s a generational divide and we all know it.  80% of adults in a recent poll reported that they believed that kids need different skills to achieve success today than just twenty years ago.  Times are a’ changing and they are changing fast.  I’ve taken to reading the Business section first because that’s where I get the latest technology news – the news that changes how we live our lives.

And it is media technology that is at the core of this change.  How we communicate, when, where, how fast, and content.  We can send pictures to a loved one over the phone every day when they are away from home.  We text, blog, twitter, wiki, email…connect…connect…connect…it’s a new generation. 

If kids need 21st century skills, then parents need 21st century parenting knowledge and techniques.  Kids are not born knowing how to handle all this media technology.  They quickly learn how to use it and use it almost to the point of addiction.  But, parents have the responsibility to teach, guide, and instill the values, skills, and character traits their children will need to traverse the 21st century divide and find success and happiness.  The character traits kids need, thank goodness, are the same as they’ve always been: self-discipline, ability to delay gratification, ability to help another person, inter-personal skills, manners, etc.  Kids need the language and communication skills to interact with another person.    They need to learn how to learn, and thus feel good about the skills they are gaining.   Say Yes to No helps parents gain the strategies they need to parent in the 21st century.   What are the 21st century skills you think kids need?

Dr. Dave

Fort Wayne Indiana Community Schools and the Michigan school principals are getting ready to launch Say Yes to No.  People are fired up about bringing the No message to their communities and schools.  The Michigan principals said loud and clear that what they like the most about Say Yes to No is that it’s not about blaming parents or teachers.  They know that parents are committed to their kids’ welfare.

What Say Yes to No does is help parents and teachers understand more clearly that it’s the culture of More, Easy, Fast and Fun that’s behind the growing epidemic of Discipline Deficit Disorder.  They too recognize that the only way to counter-act such a powerful force is for parents and teachers to join together in conversations, to support each other to use the parenting strategies of No.  That’s why the school principals of Michigan and the community leaders and PTAs of Fort Wayne Indiana are excited to ignite Say Yes to No conversations across their state and schools.

Do you have a Say Yes to No story?  Share it.

Dr. Dave