This headline jumped out at me over my morning coffee. My first reaction was, “Great, teachers are supporting elementary school kids.”  But I quickly realized that the headline carried more dire news. The Minnesota State Colleges and Universities system released a study Wednesday stating that 38% of our Minnesota high school graduates had to take at least one remedial course upon entering college – 38%!

This study directly connects with my seminar No conversation with a group of college freshman. Here’s another quote from one of those students: “What you are saying about the impact of behavior on achievement is absolutely correct. I sailed through high school with straight A’s, hardly had any homework. I was one of the “good kids.” I was completely unprepared for college work. My first semester at the U of MN was like getting hit by a truck.”

I get feedback like this wherever I visit. The impact of not teaching our kids the self-discipline they need to be successful reaches from pre-school to college. When teachers have to deal more with student behavior than teaching & parents do not support teachers, the “pact” happens and grades are more indicative of behavior than academic achievement. All kids are impacted – those who do have self-discipline and those who don’t.

Do you agree or disagree?  Please post your comments.

Here’s a quote from one student: “If I talked to my parents the way my 10 year-old-brother talks to my parents, I would have been in my room for hours.”

Teachers, parents, police officers, youth workers, child care providers, etc. across the state and indeed, the country agree that rude and disrespectful behavior is a major issue. It’s the top reason many of our teachers leave the profession after only a few years. Police officers who work with juveniles and in our schools tell me that kids’ behavior has deteriorated quickly in just the last five years. A pre-school child care provider is worried about the rude behavior and language she sees in her young children.

Emotional self-regulation, common courtesy, cooperation, respect, ability to work in groups – these are all skills requiring self-discipline.  Children need to learn how to self-regulate their behavior. Parents are the first and most important teachers. A failure to learn the lessons of No will have ramifications beyond the family and school and into adult friendships and work success.

What No parenting strategy have you tried?  Share your story.

Anyone who has seen the Say Yes to No DVD will remember that Roxanne Battle was an early supporter of the Say Yes to No campaign.  Seven months later Roxanne is more excited than ever because of the response of thousands of parents across Minnesota. As a parent, she knows how such a little word – no – is such a big building block for self-discipline.

Recently Roxanne wrote about the Say Yes to No campaign in her Minnesota Post blog and appeared on KSTP Eyewitness News. If you missed her story you can view the segment (and read her story again) here.

A big thank-you to all who responded to our Say Yes to No survey. Say Yes to No events have spread across Minnesota communities and into other states.  We hope these conversations bring parents, teachers and community members together to discuss how using No will mean success for their kids. As with any movement, we are anxious to hear your stories - stories of your events as well as stories of how using No has impacted you or your community. Thank you to those who have responded.

Here’s an excerpt from one of your stories:

“Before walking out the door to Dr. Walsh's speaking engagement - my 7 year old daughter asked if I was going to that "no talk" she had seen advertised at school; I replied, yes. She responded that I didn't really need to go, because I already said "no" ALL the time already. ….  It was not until I was introduced to Say Yes to NO that I was able to put a reason or name to it like "delayed gratification." I just know that as a child hearing "no" most of the time gave me the internal fortitude to grow up and become a successful person. I always took "no" as a challenge to work harder to earn the "yes"; whether it be saving my money for that one item I didn't get for Christmas or putting myself through college by working full time. …since I was paying for college, I actually went to class, studied and received good grades. …So my resume look pretty good going into early adulthood which allowed me to start at a great company right out of college (when many of my peers were working restaurant jobs for quite awhile - and these were kids whose parents had always said "yes.")

“Even though my husband and I can financially say "yes" all the time, I am hoping that we can find a happy medium so that my children too can take ownership in some of the "things" they save up for and maybe actually appreciate them as well; but more importantly, so that they can become patient, responsible and happy adults!”   - Parent

I talk about restoring the balance in raising our children. Using the parenting tactics that work from No can help restore the balance in our More, Easy, Fast and Fun culture.

Click HERE if you would like to fill out a Say Yes to No survey.

Congratulations to teacher Jeff Kuehn and the students from New Prague Middle School!

Middle school is a time of change and challenge: Real vs. empty praise, competency vs. feel good exercises, doing vs. just finishing. The question for us is how can we help kids develop real self esteem? 

Share your ideas.

Say Yes to No strikes a cord for business people too. Who pays the price when young people enter the job market without the writing, reading, work ethic, and social skills they need to succeed? Certainly the young job applicant pays a big price when he or she can’t land a job or bounces from job to job looking for a “good fit” or languishes in a job that doesn’t pay the bills. Families pay a price because families are often the safety net. 

But business people pay a price too. They need good workers, people with the right skills and work ethic to move companies ahead in this global marketplace.

And in the end we all pay a price. The economic health of our communities depends on the work of skilled, educated people – in manufacturing, technology, services, or education. That’s why business people, involved in their communities, are starting Say Yes to No book reads and discussion groups. If you’ve started a book read or taken part in a discussion – can you tell us why you joined? 

Click on comment to tell us your story.

You can almost sense the wind changing and that can only mean one thing: Senioritis.  It’s that time of year when high school seniors, whether they are going on to college, work, or training will kick back and want to throw all the rules out the window.

A dad came up after a talk in Minnetonka and asked the big question many parents face when spring hits a high school senior’s household (and I’m not talking about spring break – that is another issue.) 

“My daughter challenged me with a tough question that I don’t know how to answer: ‘Your rules,’ she said, ‘don’t make any sense any more.  I’m going to college next fall, living on campus and I’ll be able to do whatever I want.  So it doesn’t make any sense to have these rules now.’”  The dad looked really perplexed, saying “She’s right, in a way.”

My response was measured because his daughter was right, in a way.  It doesn’t make sense to keep the same rules for a high school senior that you have for a junior or even in the fall of senior year.  As you know the job of a parent is to loosen the rules as your kids get older, giving your child more responsibility for their own behavior choices.  But even in the spring of senior year, you loosen, but you don’t let go completely.  Curfew is always the big question.  Responsibilities around the house, schoolwork, other commitments, etc. are others.  Yes, this dad’s daughter should have more responsibility for her own behavior – certainly she will have to self-motivate in college to meet a multitude of demands and responsibilities – but this dad is still a parent.  We know from brain science that a teen’s brain development, especially in the pre-frontal cortex, the area for thinking ahead and considering consequences, is not fully developed until the early twenties.  With this knowledge, I advised this dad to talk with his daughter and find the areas where he could “loosen” the rules, but I urged him not to let go completely; his job is not done quite yet.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!  Being 100% Irish, St. Patrick’s Day was always a special occasion in my family.

But being “special” is not always so easy.  I get many questions from parents of kids with special needs: ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, etc.  These parents feel like they get a double whammy. Not only do they have the challenge of parenting a special needs child, but they often feel like a “bad parent” because the usual strategies that work for others don’t work for them and all the good advice in the world doesn’t change that.

This is why I wrote a chapter in my No book (Chapter 10 – “Wired Differently: Special Needs Children and No”) on using No with special needs kids.  Parents report to me that they are encouraged, and even relieved, after reading this chapter because they learn the unique strategies needed for special needs children.   These parents need a lot of patience and humor, love and energy, support and follow-through to meet their day by day challenges.  But with this, kids will learn the how to self-regulate their emotions and behavior to the degree they are able.

And as a community, we need to support these parents, not blame them.