Happy St. Patrick’s Day!  Being 100% Irish, St. Patrick’s Day was always a special occasion in my family.

But being “special” is not always so easy.  I get many questions from parents of kids with special needs: ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, etc.  These parents feel like they get a double whammy. Not only do they have the challenge of parenting a special needs child, but they often feel like a “bad parent” because the usual strategies that work for others don’t work for them and all the good advice in the world doesn’t change that.

This is why I wrote a chapter in my No book (Chapter 10 – “Wired Differently: Special Needs Children and No”) on using No with special needs kids.  Parents report to me that they are encouraged, and even relieved, after reading this chapter because they learn the unique strategies needed for special needs children.   These parents need a lot of patience and humor, love and energy, support and follow-through to meet their day by day challenges.  But with this, kids will learn the how to self-regulate their emotions and behavior to the degree they are able.

And as a community, we need to support these parents, not blame them.

Everyone has a story about embarrassing supermarket melt downs.  Here’s a tip from a mom in Duluth about what to say when it happens.

In the grocery store check out line recently this mom’s daughter started to fuss – big time.  She wanted something and was loudly demanding it with tears and sobs.  The mom told her, “no” – she could not have the item, they were not going to buy anything today.  Her daughter just screamed louder.

A woman behind them in line leaned over and said, “Oh, why don’t you get it for her.”  This mom looked at her and said, “Do you want to raise her?”  

This Duluth mom knew the important lessons of No.  She knew that if she gave in to her child, when she knows she shouldn’t, that her daughter will just up the ante – next time.  It might seem like a small item – maybe a candy bar – but children need practice with hearing “no” for small things.  And parents need practice saying it.

The big issues will come eventually – they always do.  If we haven’t built up our No skills, then it will be too hard to hold the line when the stakes are really high.  And our kids will know that “No doesn’t really mean ‘no’.”  It just means you argue louder.

The dreaded public tantrum – what parent doesn’t cringe when their child really lets go in a public space.  It can feel so embarrassing because we feel everyone is watching...and judging our parenting skills. 

A mom from Hopkins told me the other night that she really dreads her kids fussing in public for just this reason, so she made a mental note that she wouldn’t stare at another parent dealing with an out-of-control child.   Recently she was in a grocery store and saw a child really screaming, fussing, and giving his mom a hard time at check out.  She went over to the mom and said, “Would you like me to bag your groceries for you while you help your son?”  The mom looked completely surprised and stunned, and realized the woman was serious.  She was grateful, said “yes” and the woman bagged her groceries for her.

The child settled down, the mom thanked her, then mom and son left, much more composed.  The cashier then looked at the woman and said “Did you know that mom?”  She didn’t and the cashier responded, “Wow, really nice.”

That’s Say Yes to No in action.

Our brains are so marvelous, that 73 countries around the world are celebrating “Brain Awareness Week” starting today.  Neuroscience has given us so many new insights into our brains and why we are who we are and do what we do.  This new brain science is at the heart of the No parenting strategies.  Children learn self-discipline by using their brains and we have learned that the brain’s growth spurts during childhood and adolescence are key times to help kids learn the character traits they need for success. 

We now know that the brain neurons (brain cells) that fire together, wire together.  Children’s brains are literally wired mainly as a result of the experiences they have during the formative years of their lives.  If we do not balance the More, Easy, Fast, Fun experiences that our media-driven world gives to children with lessons of self-discipline, our kids will not have the tools they need to succeed.

We here at the National Institute on Media and the Family will celebrate Brain Awareness Week this week by putting the finishing touches on our soon to be released Brain Power video.  I was very excited to work on this video with the help of our friends at Pixel Farm Interactive because I give an inside tour of a developing child’s brain, complete with neurons firing and wiring together.  Together we explore the newest information from neuroscience on the development of children’s brains right up through adolescence.  Watch our website and soon you’ll get directed to a release of the video on You Tube, as well as info on where to find it in our Store.

If you’d like to learn more about Brain Awareness Week see http://brainweek.dana.org/, including links to Brainy Kids at http://www.dana.org/resources/brainykids/ and Neuroscience for Kids at http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/neurok.html.

I had a question from a young mom this week:  “Aren’t you trying to turn kids into little robots with all this No and self-discipline?  Always obeying the rules.  Where’s the freedom to be a kid?”  It’s a good question and one we spent some time talking about. 

When parents use the No strategies, what they are hoping for is not a little robot, but a child who has all his or her inner skills at their disposal to be successful in life.  Children and teens are faced with choices every day, just as adults are and kids need the skills of self-discipline to make those choices.  Using No when you should will not turn your child into a robot, it will actually give them the freedom to choose.  A child who learns self-discipline is not at the mercy of the More, Easy, Fast, and Fun urges that can keep him or her from being successful in school and in life.

In the end what we hope for is balance.  Our media-driven culture has made the job of parenting so much harder.  Parents often feel more alone today without many of the traditional community supports.  That’s why we urge people not only to read the book No, but also to join in conversations with other parents, to help regain that support and to better understand how to use the No parenting strategies that work.

Many thanks to the metro area county libraries and MELSA for supporting Minnesota Say Yes to No and for hosting No book discussion groups for parents, those who work with children, and all interested community members. Here’s an update on the schedule for those discussion groups.  Check in at http://www.melsa.org/go/parenting/events.cfm for more details:

• Saturday, March 8 at 1:00 PM
  Chanhassen Library in Chanhassen
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Walker Library in Minneapolis
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Roseville Library in Roseville
• Thursday, March 13 at 6:30 PM
  Washburn Library in Minneapolis
• Thursday, March 13 at 7:00 PM 
  New Prague Library in New Prague
• Tuesday, March 18 at 7:00 PM 
  Wescott Library in Eagan
• Thursday, March 20 at 6:30 PM
  Northeast Library in Minneapolis

We are also happy to report that the Healthy Communities Partnership in Fargo-Moorhead is buzzing with Say Yes to No events.  Following a successful kickoff, book discussion reads will be held at elementary schools across town.  Libraries are also joining in spreading the word about Say Yes to No.  Participants’ self-discipline was tempted with dark chocolate, their grown-up version of the Marshmallow test!  I’m not sure I could resist.

Since writing the book No: Why Kids – of All Ages – Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It, I have spoken to parent and community groups all over the country.  One of the topics that I often talk about is Discipline Deficit Disorder or what I call DDD.

Too many of our kids have run-away cases of DDD.   Signs of it pop up everywhere: classrooms where teachers spend more time addressing behavior issues than teaching, a kid’s overgrown sense of entitlement, teens opting out of harder classes, general rudeness where “make my day”, replaces “have a nice day”, inability to stick to a task, escalating cases of the “gimmies”…

Why should we be concerned about DDD?  Because DDD robs kids of self-reliance and self-discipline, skills they need to be successful in school and in life.  It also undermines a child’s true sense of self-esteem.  True self-esteem is built on a child’s ability to handle and accomplish the tasks they face in life.

On a more community level, DDD results in too many of our teachers leaving the profession because of student behavior and demanding parents.  It also impacts our country’s economic future.  How are our kids going to compete in the global marketplace if they avoid the “tough” subjects in high school and college or if they do not have the self-discipline they need to be successful on the job or in a career?   The lessons in self-discipline begin early, they begin small, but they are important and they start with No.

We are excited to support the Hennepin County Libraries and MELSA (Metropolitan Library Service Agency) joining the Say Yes to No campaign.  At select libraries, facilitators will lead discussions on the book No, Why Kids - of All Ages - Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.  Join other parents, caregivers and adults with children in their lives for a lively discussion of strategies for nurturing healthy, self-reliant kids.

Schedule:

Monday, March 3rd, 7 p.m., Eden Prairie Library

Saturday, March 8th, 2 p.m., Walker Library

Thursday, March 13th, 6:30 p.m., Washburn Library

Thursday, March 20th, 6:30 p.m., Northeast Library

Cost: Free, registration required.

To register, visit http://www.melsa.org/go/parenting/events.cfm . Questions: Contact Melinda Ludwiczak, partnerships coordinator, Hennepin County Library, 612-630-6246, mludwiczak@hclib.org .

Thank you to Hennepin County Libraries and MELSA for furthering the Minnesota Say Yes to No conversations.