The dreaded public tantrum – what parent doesn’t cringe when their child really lets go in a public space.  It can feel so embarrassing because we feel everyone is watching...and judging our parenting skills. 

A mom from Hopkins told me the other night that she really dreads her kids fussing in public for just this reason, so she made a mental note that she wouldn’t stare at another parent dealing with an out-of-control child.   Recently she was in a grocery store and saw a child really screaming, fussing, and giving his mom a hard time at check out.  She went over to the mom and said, “Would you like me to bag your groceries for you while you help your son?”  The mom looked completely surprised and stunned, and realized the woman was serious.  She was grateful, said “yes” and the woman bagged her groceries for her.

The child settled down, the mom thanked her, then mom and son left, much more composed.  The cashier then looked at the woman and said “Did you know that mom?”  She didn’t and the cashier responded, “Wow, really nice.”

That’s Say Yes to No in action.

Our brains are so marvelous, that 73 countries around the world are celebrating “Brain Awareness Week” starting today.  Neuroscience has given us so many new insights into our brains and why we are who we are and do what we do.  This new brain science is at the heart of the No parenting strategies.  Children learn self-discipline by using their brains and we have learned that the brain’s growth spurts during childhood and adolescence are key times to help kids learn the character traits they need for success. 

We now know that the brain neurons (brain cells) that fire together, wire together.  Children’s brains are literally wired mainly as a result of the experiences they have during the formative years of their lives.  If we do not balance the More, Easy, Fast, Fun experiences that our media-driven world gives to children with lessons of self-discipline, our kids will not have the tools they need to succeed.

We here at the National Institute on Media and the Family will celebrate Brain Awareness Week this week by putting the finishing touches on our soon to be released Brain Power video.  I was very excited to work on this video with the help of our friends at Pixel Farm Interactive because I give an inside tour of a developing child’s brain, complete with neurons firing and wiring together.  Together we explore the newest information from neuroscience on the development of children’s brains right up through adolescence.  Watch our website and soon you’ll get directed to a release of the video on You Tube, as well as info on where to find it in our Store.

If you’d like to learn more about Brain Awareness Week see http://brainweek.dana.org/, including links to Brainy Kids at http://www.dana.org/resources/brainykids/ and Neuroscience for Kids at http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/neurok.html.

I had a question from a young mom this week:  “Aren’t you trying to turn kids into little robots with all this No and self-discipline?  Always obeying the rules.  Where’s the freedom to be a kid?”  It’s a good question and one we spent some time talking about. 

When parents use the No strategies, what they are hoping for is not a little robot, but a child who has all his or her inner skills at their disposal to be successful in life.  Children and teens are faced with choices every day, just as adults are and kids need the skills of self-discipline to make those choices.  Using No when you should will not turn your child into a robot, it will actually give them the freedom to choose.  A child who learns self-discipline is not at the mercy of the More, Easy, Fast, and Fun urges that can keep him or her from being successful in school and in life.

In the end what we hope for is balance.  Our media-driven culture has made the job of parenting so much harder.  Parents often feel more alone today without many of the traditional community supports.  That’s why we urge people not only to read the book No, but also to join in conversations with other parents, to help regain that support and to better understand how to use the No parenting strategies that work.

Many thanks to the metro area county libraries and MELSA for supporting Minnesota Say Yes to No and for hosting No book discussion groups for parents, those who work with children, and all interested community members. Here’s an update on the schedule for those discussion groups.  Check in at http://www.melsa.org/go/parenting/events.cfm for more details:

• Saturday, March 8 at 1:00 PM
  Chanhassen Library in Chanhassen
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Walker Library in Minneapolis
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Roseville Library in Roseville
• Thursday, March 13 at 6:30 PM
  Washburn Library in Minneapolis
• Thursday, March 13 at 7:00 PM 
  New Prague Library in New Prague
• Tuesday, March 18 at 7:00 PM 
  Wescott Library in Eagan
• Thursday, March 20 at 6:30 PM
  Northeast Library in Minneapolis

We are also happy to report that the Healthy Communities Partnership in Fargo-Moorhead is buzzing with Say Yes to No events.  Following a successful kickoff, book discussion reads will be held at elementary schools across town.  Libraries are also joining in spreading the word about Say Yes to No.  Participants’ self-discipline was tempted with dark chocolate, their grown-up version of the Marshmallow test!  I’m not sure I could resist.

Since writing the book No: Why Kids – of All Ages – Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It, I have spoken to parent and community groups all over the country.  One of the topics that I often talk about is Discipline Deficit Disorder or what I call DDD.

Too many of our kids have run-away cases of DDD.   Signs of it pop up everywhere: classrooms where teachers spend more time addressing behavior issues than teaching, a kid’s overgrown sense of entitlement, teens opting out of harder classes, general rudeness where “make my day”, replaces “have a nice day”, inability to stick to a task, escalating cases of the “gimmies”…

Why should we be concerned about DDD?  Because DDD robs kids of self-reliance and self-discipline, skills they need to be successful in school and in life.  It also undermines a child’s true sense of self-esteem.  True self-esteem is built on a child’s ability to handle and accomplish the tasks they face in life.

On a more community level, DDD results in too many of our teachers leaving the profession because of student behavior and demanding parents.  It also impacts our country’s economic future.  How are our kids going to compete in the global marketplace if they avoid the “tough” subjects in high school and college or if they do not have the self-discipline they need to be successful on the job or in a career?   The lessons in self-discipline begin early, they begin small, but they are important and they start with No.

We are excited to support the Hennepin County Libraries and MELSA (Metropolitan Library Service Agency) joining the Say Yes to No campaign.  At select libraries, facilitators will lead discussions on the book No, Why Kids - of All Ages - Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.  Join other parents, caregivers and adults with children in their lives for a lively discussion of strategies for nurturing healthy, self-reliant kids.

Schedule:

Monday, March 3rd, 7 p.m., Eden Prairie Library

Saturday, March 8th, 2 p.m., Walker Library

Thursday, March 13th, 6:30 p.m., Washburn Library

Thursday, March 20th, 6:30 p.m., Northeast Library

Cost: Free, registration required.

To register, visit http://www.melsa.org/go/parenting/events.cfm . Questions: Contact Melinda Ludwiczak, partnerships coordinator, Hennepin County Library, 612-630-6246, mludwiczak@hclib.org .

Thank you to Hennepin County Libraries and MELSA for furthering the Minnesota Say Yes to No conversations.

Scientific brain studies appear in my email box weekly, it seems, highlighting new discoveries about the human brain. With advanced technologies such as MRIs, scientists are able to observe brain activity that until very recently lay hidden. What we know about the brain is increasing, but there is still so much left to learn.

Last week the news item summarized a new study about video games and men’s brains. With an MRI the researchers were able to record where brain activity occurred as a group of men and women played video games. It turned out that for men, the part of the brain where feelings of reward and addiction are centered lit up while they played. This activity did not occur as much for women. The researchers think this might explain why men and boys not only play video games more than women and girls, but fall into more addictive behaviors.

What does this have to do with Say Yes to No?  Part of our Say Yes to No message encourages parents to be MediaWise®. Parenting in the 21^st century includes making healthy media choices for our kids and helping them learn how to make healthy media choices for themselves. MediaWise parents pay attention to the content of the media their children use and limit the time their children watch electronic screens. This involves saying “no”. With the new brain studies, we can see how important being a MediaWise parent is, especially, perhaps, for our boys.

I got a question from a hard working day care provider recently that I’ve been mulling over for a week. “Dr. Walsh,” she said, “What do I do with parents who think their kids should always be happy?” Now my first thought, I have to admit, was “Little kids? Of course they should be happy.” Little smiling faces of my own three kids when they were young floated through my mind’s eye. Then I had a reality check and focused on what her question really asked and the word that jumped out was: always.

Is it our job as parents to make our kids happy? If that is true then we should spend our days catering to their every need, removing all frustrations and bumps in the road, making sure that no one else in their lives causes them any frustration, and of course buying them whatever they want – just to make them happy. No, of course not, this is a direct route to a spoiled child. Then, if it’s not our job to make them happy, what is our job? 

Life will dish out to each of us a basketful of experiences. Some thrill and excite us and make us happy. Others are difficult, stressful, even painful and yes, make us unhappy. Our job as parents is to give our kids the skills to not only enjoy the happy times, but how to recognize what happiness really is. The trick is in order to do this our kids need to experience unhappiness, frustration and all the normal bumps in the road. For instance, if they never feel disappointed, they will never learn to resolve disappointment and move themselves to a happier state. Our job as parents then becomes helping our children learn how to make themselves (and others) happy.

The day care provider solved her own question. “I’m going to start a No book read with my day care parents, so we can all be on the same page.”  I hope I hear back from her soon.