I had a question from a young mom this week:  “Aren’t you trying to turn kids into little robots with all this No and self-discipline?  Always obeying the rules.  Where’s the freedom to be a kid?”  It’s a good question and one we spent some time talking about. 

When parents use the No strategies, what they are hoping for is not a little robot, but a child who has all his or her inner skills at their disposal to be successful in life.  Children and teens are faced with choices every day, just as adults are and kids need the skills of self-discipline to make those choices.  Using No when you should will not turn your child into a robot, it will actually give them the freedom to choose.  A child who learns self-discipline is not at the mercy of the More, Easy, Fast, and Fun urges that can keep him or her from being successful in school and in life.

In the end what we hope for is balance.  Our media-driven culture has made the job of parenting so much harder.  Parents often feel more alone today without many of the traditional community supports.  That’s why we urge people not only to read the book No, but also to join in conversations with other parents, to help regain that support and to better understand how to use the No parenting strategies that work.

Many thanks to the metro area county libraries and MELSA for supporting Minnesota Say Yes to No and for hosting No book discussion groups for parents, those who work with children, and all interested community members. Here’s an update on the schedule for those discussion groups.  Check in at http://www.melsa.org/go/parenting/events.cfm for more details:

• Saturday, March 8 at 1:00 PM
  Chanhassen Library in Chanhassen
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Walker Library in Minneapolis
• Saturday, March 8 at 2:00 PM
  Roseville Library in Roseville
• Thursday, March 13 at 6:30 PM
  Washburn Library in Minneapolis
• Thursday, March 13 at 7:00 PM 
  New Prague Library in New Prague
• Tuesday, March 18 at 7:00 PM 
  Wescott Library in Eagan
• Thursday, March 20 at 6:30 PM
  Northeast Library in Minneapolis

We are also happy to report that the Healthy Communities Partnership in Fargo-Moorhead is buzzing with Say Yes to No events.  Following a successful kickoff, book discussion reads will be held at elementary schools across town.  Libraries are also joining in spreading the word about Say Yes to No.  Participants’ self-discipline was tempted with dark chocolate, their grown-up version of the Marshmallow test!  I’m not sure I could resist.

Since writing the book No: Why Kids – of All Ages – Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It, I have spoken to parent and community groups all over the country.  One of the topics that I often talk about is Discipline Deficit Disorder or what I call DDD.

Too many of our kids have run-away cases of DDD.   Signs of it pop up everywhere: classrooms where teachers spend more time addressing behavior issues than teaching, a kid’s overgrown sense of entitlement, teens opting out of harder classes, general rudeness where “make my day”, replaces “have a nice day”, inability to stick to a task, escalating cases of the “gimmies”…

Why should we be concerned about DDD?  Because DDD robs kids of self-reliance and self-discipline, skills they need to be successful in school and in life.  It also undermines a child’s true sense of self-esteem.  True self-esteem is built on a child’s ability to handle and accomplish the tasks they face in life.

On a more community level, DDD results in too many of our teachers leaving the profession because of student behavior and demanding parents.  It also impacts our country’s economic future.  How are our kids going to compete in the global marketplace if they avoid the “tough” subjects in high school and college or if they do not have the self-discipline they need to be successful on the job or in a career?   The lessons in self-discipline begin early, they begin small, but they are important and they start with No.

We are excited to support the Hennepin County Libraries and MELSA (Metropolitan Library Service Agency) joining the Say Yes to No campaign.  At select libraries, facilitators will lead discussions on the book No, Why Kids - of All Ages - Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.  Join other parents, caregivers and adults with children in their lives for a lively discussion of strategies for nurturing healthy, self-reliant kids.

Schedule:

Monday, March 3rd, 7 p.m., Eden Prairie Library

Saturday, March 8th, 2 p.m., Walker Library

Thursday, March 13th, 6:30 p.m., Washburn Library

Thursday, March 20th, 6:30 p.m., Northeast Library

Cost: Free, registration required.

To register, visit http://www.melsa.org/go/parenting/events.cfm . Questions: Contact Melinda Ludwiczak, partnerships coordinator, Hennepin County Library, 612-630-6246, mludwiczak@hclib.org .

Thank you to Hennepin County Libraries and MELSA for furthering the Minnesota Say Yes to No conversations.

Scientific brain studies appear in my email box weekly, it seems, highlighting new discoveries about the human brain. With advanced technologies such as MRIs, scientists are able to observe brain activity that until very recently lay hidden. What we know about the brain is increasing, but there is still so much left to learn.

Last week the news item summarized a new study about video games and men’s brains. With an MRI the researchers were able to record where brain activity occurred as a group of men and women played video games. It turned out that for men, the part of the brain where feelings of reward and addiction are centered lit up while they played. This activity did not occur as much for women. The researchers think this might explain why men and boys not only play video games more than women and girls, but fall into more addictive behaviors.

What does this have to do with Say Yes to No?  Part of our Say Yes to No message encourages parents to be MediaWise®. Parenting in the 21^st century includes making healthy media choices for our kids and helping them learn how to make healthy media choices for themselves. MediaWise parents pay attention to the content of the media their children use and limit the time their children watch electronic screens. This involves saying “no”. With the new brain studies, we can see how important being a MediaWise parent is, especially, perhaps, for our boys.

I got a question from a hard working day care provider recently that I’ve been mulling over for a week. “Dr. Walsh,” she said, “What do I do with parents who think their kids should always be happy?” Now my first thought, I have to admit, was “Little kids? Of course they should be happy.” Little smiling faces of my own three kids when they were young floated through my mind’s eye. Then I had a reality check and focused on what her question really asked and the word that jumped out was: always.

Is it our job as parents to make our kids happy? If that is true then we should spend our days catering to their every need, removing all frustrations and bumps in the road, making sure that no one else in their lives causes them any frustration, and of course buying them whatever they want – just to make them happy. No, of course not, this is a direct route to a spoiled child. Then, if it’s not our job to make them happy, what is our job? 

Life will dish out to each of us a basketful of experiences. Some thrill and excite us and make us happy. Others are difficult, stressful, even painful and yes, make us unhappy. Our job as parents is to give our kids the skills to not only enjoy the happy times, but how to recognize what happiness really is. The trick is in order to do this our kids need to experience unhappiness, frustration and all the normal bumps in the road. For instance, if they never feel disappointed, they will never learn to resolve disappointment and move themselves to a happier state. Our job as parents then becomes helping our children learn how to make themselves (and others) happy.

The day care provider solved her own question. “I’m going to start a No book read with my day care parents, so we can all be on the same page.”  I hope I hear back from her soon.

I’m hearing from the weather predictor folks that our cold snap here in Minnesota is coming to an end. Just hang in there for another day.  I even heard someone mention crocus blooms. Well our cold weather didn’t stop over 900 parents from turning out in Eden Prairie for their Say Yes to No kickoff at Pax Christi. Parents came because they know that things are out of balance for our kids. That the More, Easy, Fast, and Fun culture is not giving our kids the skills they need for success and happiness.

Many parents said that they had already read the book No. Many parents also said that reading the book had changed the way they parent. Here’s one dad’s story:

Last week this dad had gotten one of those notes that parents just dread. It was from his son’s teacher, telling him that his son’s behavior on the school bus needed to improve. His school bus driver had reported difficulty.

Now I don’t know what he would have done previously, but he related that reading No helped him decide exactly what to do. He went that day to school and found his son’s bus as the kids were loading at the end of the day. He introduced himself to the driver and gave the driver his business card. He pointed out his son and said to the driver, “That’s my son, if he misbehaves, please call me. You have an important job driving this bus.”

What lesson did his son learn that day? He learned that his father was the parent and that his dad stood in support of the school with regards to appropriate behavior on school busses.   But he also learned something else: a lesson in self-control. From that day on, no more behavior issues on the bus.

Our kids are listening. 

Research tells us that we parents are our children’s most important teachers. We know this, but sometimes with all the media clutter and the busy pace of our lives, we underestimate how much our children listen to what we say and what we do. Say Yes to No conversations are reminding us.  Here’s a Say Yes to No family story:

Six-year-old Isaac was playing with his family’s two dogs one night last week. They were having a great time, going back and forth with a chew toy playing tug of war. Suddenly one of the dogs took the toy and ran away with it. Game over. Charlie, the dog that was left, sat down and gave a dumbfounded look to Isaac.

 “Well, Charlie,” Isaac says, “like my dad says: ‘You don’t always get what you want.’”

Isaac at age six is learning a big lesson about resiliency, one of the benefits of Say Yes to No. Resilient children will bounce back and cope with bumps in the road. They won’t be defeated by the curve balls that life throws at all of us. The lessons of No can start small; they should start early, but they will last a lifetime.