Scientific brain studies appear in my email box weekly, it seems, highlighting new discoveries about the human brain. With advanced technologies such as MRIs, scientists are able to observe brain activity that until very recently lay hidden. What we know about the brain is increasing, but there is still so much left to learn.

Last week the news item summarized a new study about video games and men’s brains. With an MRI the researchers were able to record where brain activity occurred as a group of men and women played video games. It turned out that for men, the part of the brain where feelings of reward and addiction are centered lit up while they played. This activity did not occur as much for women. The researchers think this might explain why men and boys not only play video games more than women and girls, but fall into more addictive behaviors.

What does this have to do with Say Yes to No?  Part of our Say Yes to No message encourages parents to be MediaWise®. Parenting in the 21^st century includes making healthy media choices for our kids and helping them learn how to make healthy media choices for themselves. MediaWise parents pay attention to the content of the media their children use and limit the time their children watch electronic screens. This involves saying “no”. With the new brain studies, we can see how important being a MediaWise parent is, especially, perhaps, for our boys.

I got a question from a hard working day care provider recently that I’ve been mulling over for a week. “Dr. Walsh,” she said, “What do I do with parents who think their kids should always be happy?” Now my first thought, I have to admit, was “Little kids? Of course they should be happy.” Little smiling faces of my own three kids when they were young floated through my mind’s eye. Then I had a reality check and focused on what her question really asked and the word that jumped out was: always.

Is it our job as parents to make our kids happy? If that is true then we should spend our days catering to their every need, removing all frustrations and bumps in the road, making sure that no one else in their lives causes them any frustration, and of course buying them whatever they want – just to make them happy. No, of course not, this is a direct route to a spoiled child. Then, if it’s not our job to make them happy, what is our job? 

Life will dish out to each of us a basketful of experiences. Some thrill and excite us and make us happy. Others are difficult, stressful, even painful and yes, make us unhappy. Our job as parents is to give our kids the skills to not only enjoy the happy times, but how to recognize what happiness really is. The trick is in order to do this our kids need to experience unhappiness, frustration and all the normal bumps in the road. For instance, if they never feel disappointed, they will never learn to resolve disappointment and move themselves to a happier state. Our job as parents then becomes helping our children learn how to make themselves (and others) happy.

The day care provider solved her own question. “I’m going to start a No book read with my day care parents, so we can all be on the same page.”  I hope I hear back from her soon.

I’m hearing from the weather predictor folks that our cold snap here in Minnesota is coming to an end. Just hang in there for another day.  I even heard someone mention crocus blooms. Well our cold weather didn’t stop over 900 parents from turning out in Eden Prairie for their Say Yes to No kickoff at Pax Christi. Parents came because they know that things are out of balance for our kids. That the More, Easy, Fast, and Fun culture is not giving our kids the skills they need for success and happiness.

Many parents said that they had already read the book No. Many parents also said that reading the book had changed the way they parent. Here’s one dad’s story:

Last week this dad had gotten one of those notes that parents just dread. It was from his son’s teacher, telling him that his son’s behavior on the school bus needed to improve. His school bus driver had reported difficulty.

Now I don’t know what he would have done previously, but he related that reading No helped him decide exactly what to do. He went that day to school and found his son’s bus as the kids were loading at the end of the day. He introduced himself to the driver and gave the driver his business card. He pointed out his son and said to the driver, “That’s my son, if he misbehaves, please call me. You have an important job driving this bus.”

What lesson did his son learn that day? He learned that his father was the parent and that his dad stood in support of the school with regards to appropriate behavior on school busses.   But he also learned something else: a lesson in self-control. From that day on, no more behavior issues on the bus.

Our kids are listening. 

Research tells us that we parents are our children’s most important teachers. We know this, but sometimes with all the media clutter and the busy pace of our lives, we underestimate how much our children listen to what we say and what we do. Say Yes to No conversations are reminding us.  Here’s a Say Yes to No family story:

Six-year-old Isaac was playing with his family’s two dogs one night last week. They were having a great time, going back and forth with a chew toy playing tug of war. Suddenly one of the dogs took the toy and ran away with it. Game over. Charlie, the dog that was left, sat down and gave a dumbfounded look to Isaac.

 “Well, Charlie,” Isaac says, “like my dad says: ‘You don’t always get what you want.’”

Isaac at age six is learning a big lesson about resiliency, one of the benefits of Say Yes to No. Resilient children will bounce back and cope with bumps in the road. They won’t be defeated by the curve balls that life throws at all of us. The lessons of No can start small; they should start early, but they will last a lifetime.

I couldn’t have better news to share: Say Yes to No conversations continue to spread throughout the state. Here’s a sampling of what’s happening:

• The Moorhead School District is launching a community-wide book read next week. They are spreading the word using all available media, including television. The community got so involved in Moorhead that neighboring Fargo, ND is joining in the conversation.
• The Eden Prairie School District is sponsoring a Say Yes to No kickoff next Tuesday, Feb. 19th, 7pm, at Pax Christi with a follow up parent discussion night on April 10 at Oak Point Intermediate School. 
• Parent Say Yes to No conversations are continuing in Shakopee at Shakopee Junior High School, Tues. Feb. 19th at 7pm, with Shakopee Junior High School Principal Chris Lindholm, This event is open to all parents and community members.

These conversations are powerful and they are so important. One mom stood up at a recent Say Yes to No event and said that the biggest impact for her was to see that she was not alone. She said that she tries to say “no” with her kids, but she always feels she is the only one. As she looked around the room filled with 700 people, she said “I can see now that I’m not alone.”

Our kids need us to reach out and begin these conversations with each other. Kids need parents to parent and that’s too hard a job to do alone.

I wrote Monday on the importance of language. So I was excited to receive a package in the mail yesterday. I opened it and realized that I was holding the Spanish translation of No, titled: Saber decir –NO- a los hijos. Porque los niños necesitan oírlo y como sus padres pueden decirlo.

Many communities in Minnesota and across the country have asked if there will be a Spanish version of No. The importance of teaching our kids the character traits they need for success is truly cross cultural. Many parents who are new to our country struggle with our media culture of More, Fast, Easy and Fun because these values run so counter to their own family and cultural values. All parents need the tools to parent in the twenty-first century and that includes knowing how to say “no” and being MediaWise® in their choice and use of media with their children.

So we are excited to know the message of No will reach an even greater number of parents, and that conversations, in many languages, will continue.

The language we use is so important. Roxanne Battle, one of our early Say Yes to No parent supporters, has reflected on how “no”, such a tiny word, could be so important. However, the word “no” is just the gate-keeper. Other phrases such as “not now,” “wait a while,” “you have a choice,” “later, you can,” or “first we will, then…” are words we can use to teach our children the important character trait of self-discipline and delay of gratification. Using these words will counter the constant media drumbeat that our children hear every day: “Gotta have it.” and “Gotta have it now.”

Other words such as “you really worked hard on that,” “way to stick with it,” “that was hard, but I’m proud that you finished”, or “that didn’t work out, but how could you do it differently?” are phrases that teach another important lesson: perseverance. Our kids need these two important character traits if they are going to be successful and face the challenges they will certainly encounter, not only in school, but in life. Self-discipline and perseverance are critically important, from those first challenges when a child is learning to read to the follow-through they will need later on the job or in the career of their choice.

“No” is such a little word and it is so important.

A room full of people braved the snow storm last Monday at the Minneapolis Public Library. They came to learn about No and about the book discussion groups that will be happening in many of the local public libraries. As so often happens I was the one who learned. I learned a lesson of courage.

Here’s what happened. A woman shared with me the story of her 55 year-old-brother. Her brother read the book No and was inspired to really face the challenge that he had struggled with his whole life. He decided to exercise his own self-discipline and finally give up smoking. He won this battle and achieved his goal – he quit smoking.  

His sister then shared something else. Her brother is dying – he has terminal lung cancer. He gave up smoking because he wanted to exercise his own self-discipline in the last years of his life and give his example as a gift to others. What a gift we have all received.  Thank you.