I’m hearing from the weather predictor folks that our cold snap here in Minnesota is coming to an end. Just hang in there for another day.  I even heard someone mention crocus blooms. Well our cold weather didn’t stop over 900 parents from turning out in Eden Prairie for their Say Yes to No kickoff at Pax Christi. Parents came because they know that things are out of balance for our kids. That the More, Easy, Fast, and Fun culture is not giving our kids the skills they need for success and happiness.

Many parents said that they had already read the book No. Many parents also said that reading the book had changed the way they parent. Here’s one dad’s story:

Last week this dad had gotten one of those notes that parents just dread. It was from his son’s teacher, telling him that his son’s behavior on the school bus needed to improve. His school bus driver had reported difficulty.

Now I don’t know what he would have done previously, but he related that reading No helped him decide exactly what to do. He went that day to school and found his son’s bus as the kids were loading at the end of the day. He introduced himself to the driver and gave the driver his business card. He pointed out his son and said to the driver, “That’s my son, if he misbehaves, please call me. You have an important job driving this bus.”

What lesson did his son learn that day? He learned that his father was the parent and that his dad stood in support of the school with regards to appropriate behavior on school busses.   But he also learned something else: a lesson in self-control. From that day on, no more behavior issues on the bus.

Our kids are listening. 

Research tells us that we parents are our children’s most important teachers. We know this, but sometimes with all the media clutter and the busy pace of our lives, we underestimate how much our children listen to what we say and what we do. Say Yes to No conversations are reminding us.  Here’s a Say Yes to No family story:

Six-year-old Isaac was playing with his family’s two dogs one night last week. They were having a great time, going back and forth with a chew toy playing tug of war. Suddenly one of the dogs took the toy and ran away with it. Game over. Charlie, the dog that was left, sat down and gave a dumbfounded look to Isaac.

 “Well, Charlie,” Isaac says, “like my dad says: ‘You don’t always get what you want.’”

Isaac at age six is learning a big lesson about resiliency, one of the benefits of Say Yes to No. Resilient children will bounce back and cope with bumps in the road. They won’t be defeated by the curve balls that life throws at all of us. The lessons of No can start small; they should start early, but they will last a lifetime.

I couldn’t have better news to share: Say Yes to No conversations continue to spread throughout the state. Here’s a sampling of what’s happening:

• The Moorhead School District is launching a community-wide book read next week. They are spreading the word using all available media, including television. The community got so involved in Moorhead that neighboring Fargo, ND is joining in the conversation.
• The Eden Prairie School District is sponsoring a Say Yes to No kickoff next Tuesday, Feb. 19th, 7pm, at Pax Christi with a follow up parent discussion night on April 10 at Oak Point Intermediate School. 
• Parent Say Yes to No conversations are continuing in Shakopee at Shakopee Junior High School, Tues. Feb. 19th at 7pm, with Shakopee Junior High School Principal Chris Lindholm, This event is open to all parents and community members.

These conversations are powerful and they are so important. One mom stood up at a recent Say Yes to No event and said that the biggest impact for her was to see that she was not alone. She said that she tries to say “no” with her kids, but she always feels she is the only one. As she looked around the room filled with 700 people, she said “I can see now that I’m not alone.”

Our kids need us to reach out and begin these conversations with each other. Kids need parents to parent and that’s too hard a job to do alone.

I wrote Monday on the importance of language. So I was excited to receive a package in the mail yesterday. I opened it and realized that I was holding the Spanish translation of No, titled: Saber decir –NO- a los hijos. Porque los niños necesitan oírlo y como sus padres pueden decirlo.

Many communities in Minnesota and across the country have asked if there will be a Spanish version of No. The importance of teaching our kids the character traits they need for success is truly cross cultural. Many parents who are new to our country struggle with our media culture of More, Fast, Easy and Fun because these values run so counter to their own family and cultural values. All parents need the tools to parent in the twenty-first century and that includes knowing how to say “no” and being MediaWise® in their choice and use of media with their children.

So we are excited to know the message of No will reach an even greater number of parents, and that conversations, in many languages, will continue.

The language we use is so important. Roxanne Battle, one of our early Say Yes to No parent supporters, has reflected on how “no”, such a tiny word, could be so important. However, the word “no” is just the gate-keeper. Other phrases such as “not now,” “wait a while,” “you have a choice,” “later, you can,” or “first we will, then…” are words we can use to teach our children the important character trait of self-discipline and delay of gratification. Using these words will counter the constant media drumbeat that our children hear every day: “Gotta have it.” and “Gotta have it now.”

Other words such as “you really worked hard on that,” “way to stick with it,” “that was hard, but I’m proud that you finished”, or “that didn’t work out, but how could you do it differently?” are phrases that teach another important lesson: perseverance. Our kids need these two important character traits if they are going to be successful and face the challenges they will certainly encounter, not only in school, but in life. Self-discipline and perseverance are critically important, from those first challenges when a child is learning to read to the follow-through they will need later on the job or in the career of their choice.

“No” is such a little word and it is so important.

A room full of people braved the snow storm last Monday at the Minneapolis Public Library. They came to learn about No and about the book discussion groups that will be happening in many of the local public libraries. As so often happens I was the one who learned. I learned a lesson of courage.

Here’s what happened. A woman shared with me the story of her 55 year-old-brother. Her brother read the book No and was inspired to really face the challenge that he had struggled with his whole life. He decided to exercise his own self-discipline and finally give up smoking. He won this battle and achieved his goal – he quit smoking.  

His sister then shared something else. Her brother is dying – he has terminal lung cancer. He gave up smoking because he wanted to exercise his own self-discipline in the last years of his life and give his example as a gift to others. What a gift we have all received.  Thank you.

No Spending Month - Make It Work For You

My conversation with Jenny about her family’s adoption of a No Spending Month each year continued, after I recovered from her son’s “gotta have it now” insight I wrote about last week.

Jenny related that her family learns something new each year: 

• First of all she finds that she has so much more time because she’s not running around picking things up at the store. She can turn off that siren call to buy, because she isn’t buying this month.
• Second, she finds that they are connecting more with their friends. They find themselves inviting friends over for dinner more often, instead of filling that socializing need with trips out to events.
• As her children have gotten older, their family conversations have grown more interesting also. This is a purposeful month, so conversations happen and the topics range from what it means to be happy, to more check-ins on every day happenings.
• They find themselves exploring the cities for what they can do for free, marveling each year at what they find, and then they do them together as a family.

But most importantly Jenny relates that as parents, they are modeling and reaping the rewards of teaching their children the importance of saying No to themselves. They are finding that the benefits of this lesson reach far beyond the No Shopping Month.

Sometimes a family’s story about No makes me wish our three kids were young again just so we could try this idea.

These parents overwhelmed by just the “stuff” in their life and the constant drumbeat of “buy more, buy better”, called a family meeting with their two kids several years ago.   They told the kids that February was going to be a “No Spending Month”.  They assured their kids that they would buy food and pay the bills, but no extra spending for the entire month.  That’s right – no movies, restaurants, extra trips to the store, no picking up candy on the way out of the grocery store.  They would only spend on what they really needed.  Their kids were young at this point, so quite game to go along with whatever mom and dad proposed.   Not knowing what to expect this family turned the calendar page to February.  Lots of conversations ensued with their kids, discussing whether they really needed an item or was it just an “I want it.”  Was it easy – no; did they learn lessons to last a lifetime – yes.   Here’s an example of one:

Towards the end of one February Jenny was grocery shopping with their then 7 year old son.  On their way out of the store, her son spies a Beanie Baby display.  Now he had been searching for a specific Beanie Baby to no avail, and there it was, right in the center of the display.  He wanted it so bad and the begging started.  Jenny reminded her son that it was No Spending Month.  So he tried another tact – would she bring him back next week (then it would be March) and he would buy it with his own money?  Jenny looked at him and said yes, she’d do that.  What he said next startled Jenny.  Her son looked at the Beanie Baby and then looked at her and said “I won’t want it next week, will I?”

“No,” said Jenny, “you probably won’t.”   Hugs ensued and a good conversation about money and how waiting sometimes helps us decide what we really want.

Next week I’ll share the rest of the conversation with Jenny and what her family has learned with No Spending Month over the years.