The language we use is so important. Roxanne Battle, one of our early Say Yes to No parent supporters, has reflected on how “no”, such a tiny word, could be so important. However, the word “no” is just the gate-keeper. Other phrases such as “not now,” “wait a while,” “you have a choice,” “later, you can,” or “first we will, then…” are words we can use to teach our children the important character trait of self-discipline and delay of gratification. Using these words will counter the constant media drumbeat that our children hear every day: “Gotta have it.” and “Gotta have it now.”

Other words such as “you really worked hard on that,” “way to stick with it,” “that was hard, but I’m proud that you finished”, or “that didn’t work out, but how could you do it differently?” are phrases that teach another important lesson: perseverance. Our kids need these two important character traits if they are going to be successful and face the challenges they will certainly encounter, not only in school, but in life. Self-discipline and perseverance are critically important, from those first challenges when a child is learning to read to the follow-through they will need later on the job or in the career of their choice.

“No” is such a little word and it is so important.

A room full of people braved the snow storm last Monday at the Minneapolis Public Library. They came to learn about No and about the book discussion groups that will be happening in many of the local public libraries. As so often happens I was the one who learned. I learned a lesson of courage.

Here’s what happened. A woman shared with me the story of her 55 year-old-brother. Her brother read the book No and was inspired to really face the challenge that he had struggled with his whole life. He decided to exercise his own self-discipline and finally give up smoking. He won this battle and achieved his goal – he quit smoking.  

His sister then shared something else. Her brother is dying – he has terminal lung cancer. He gave up smoking because he wanted to exercise his own self-discipline in the last years of his life and give his example as a gift to others. What a gift we have all received.  Thank you.

No Spending Month - Make It Work For You

My conversation with Jenny about her family’s adoption of a No Spending Month each year continued, after I recovered from her son’s “gotta have it now” insight I wrote about last week.

Jenny related that her family learns something new each year: 

• First of all she finds that she has so much more time because she’s not running around picking things up at the store. She can turn off that siren call to buy, because she isn’t buying this month.
• Second, she finds that they are connecting more with their friends. They find themselves inviting friends over for dinner more often, instead of filling that socializing need with trips out to events.
• As her children have gotten older, their family conversations have grown more interesting also. This is a purposeful month, so conversations happen and the topics range from what it means to be happy, to more check-ins on every day happenings.
• They find themselves exploring the cities for what they can do for free, marveling each year at what they find, and then they do them together as a family.

But most importantly Jenny relates that as parents, they are modeling and reaping the rewards of teaching their children the importance of saying No to themselves. They are finding that the benefits of this lesson reach far beyond the No Shopping Month.

Sometimes a family’s story about No makes me wish our three kids were young again just so we could try this idea.

These parents overwhelmed by just the “stuff” in their life and the constant drumbeat of “buy more, buy better”, called a family meeting with their two kids several years ago.   They told the kids that February was going to be a “No Spending Month”.  They assured their kids that they would buy food and pay the bills, but no extra spending for the entire month.  That’s right – no movies, restaurants, extra trips to the store, no picking up candy on the way out of the grocery store.  They would only spend on what they really needed.  Their kids were young at this point, so quite game to go along with whatever mom and dad proposed.   Not knowing what to expect this family turned the calendar page to February.  Lots of conversations ensued with their kids, discussing whether they really needed an item or was it just an “I want it.”  Was it easy – no; did they learn lessons to last a lifetime – yes.   Here’s an example of one:

Towards the end of one February Jenny was grocery shopping with their then 7 year old son.  On their way out of the store, her son spies a Beanie Baby display.  Now he had been searching for a specific Beanie Baby to no avail, and there it was, right in the center of the display.  He wanted it so bad and the begging started.  Jenny reminded her son that it was No Spending Month.  So he tried another tact – would she bring him back next week (then it would be March) and he would buy it with his own money?  Jenny looked at him and said yes, she’d do that.  What he said next startled Jenny.  Her son looked at the Beanie Baby and then looked at her and said “I won’t want it next week, will I?”

“No,” said Jenny, “you probably won’t.”   Hugs ensued and a good conversation about money and how waiting sometimes helps us decide what we really want.

Next week I’ll share the rest of the conversation with Jenny and what her family has learned with No Spending Month over the years.

Sometimes saying No isn’t just about candy bars and new toys. Sometimes saying No is about the tough stuff, when a parent can just feel that something is not right. This happened to two parents who after reading the book No realized that their high schooler’s behavior had changed dramatically over the past 5 months. He went from spending a lot of time with a good group of friends and playing sports to spending many hours of his day in his room in front of a screen. He was completely immersed in video games.

They knew for their son’s sake they had to take control and put some limits and rules around his video game play. They had to say “No”.  They did and his outburst and strong reaction was a measure how important his virtual world had become. What these parents quickly realized is that they needed outside support for saying No to their child and quickly sought the help of their school counselor. Saying Yes to No involves the tough calls, when your child will not at all appreciate your job as a parent. That’s why part of the Say Yes to No campaign is the conversations between parents, supporting each other. Sometimes, though, don’t hesitate to turn to your school counselor or other professionals for help.

I wondered how the No message would resonate with my audience in Duluth this past Wednesday. I stood there facing the members of the Juvenile Officers’ Association. These are the police officers who work with our youth, mainly in schools. They were representing our larger cities and school districts to the small towns and communities across Minnesota. The dedication of these women and men was overwhelming. So was their concern. 

These officers, from rural communities, small towns and cities, see student behavior problems growing more serious and more frequent each year. Law enforcement can only do so much in our schools. We can keep adding metal detectors and police officers – but this is not the solution. That is why these officers reacted so positively to the message of No. But even more welcomed was the message that so many parents and teachers across Minnesota are reading the book, going to workshops, and starting the conversations about how we are going to teach our young people the character traits they need to be successful. For these officers, in particular, teaching kids to say no to themselves – to manage their own behavior is a major part of the solution.

The snow was gently falling. It was cold, but over 500 parents showed up at the New Ulm Middle School for their county and school district kickoff for Say Yes to No.

A group of parents came from as far away as Ortonville, Minnesota, a three and a half hour drive. And why did all these parents show up? Because they understand the importance of No for the success of their children. They wanted to learn more and talk with other parents about how to handle the challenges of raising kids in a “yes” culture.

An early childhood educator from Madelia, Minnesota related her experience with a Say Yes to No book discussion group of pre-school parents. As soon as the parents were assured that there were no right or wrong answers – that the purpose of the group was to share and discuss ideas from No and their own experiences, the facilitator could not get them to stop talking. Everyone had stories to tell and questions to ask.

Book discussion groups are popping up all over. Beginning next week all the pre-school and elementary school teachers in New Ulm will take part in No book discussion groups led by their school administrators. Soon after, the parents will start their discussion groups. How does a culture change? One parent and teacher at a time, talking and beginning a conversation about what a child really needs for success – self discipline and the ability to say No.

Sometimes a Monday morning makes you pause. Today is such a day. We honor the memory and work of Martin Luther King, Jr. Our culture is moving forward at such a breakneck speed, it can jolt us to think about someone whose life was so imperative that it changed the people and the country in which we live.