Sometimes a family’s story about No makes me wish our three kids were young again just so we could try this idea.

These parents overwhelmed by just the “stuff” in their life and the constant drumbeat of “buy more, buy better”, called a family meeting with their two kids several years ago.   They told the kids that February was going to be a “No Spending Month”.  They assured their kids that they would buy food and pay the bills, but no extra spending for the entire month.  That’s right – no movies, restaurants, extra trips to the store, no picking up candy on the way out of the grocery store.  They would only spend on what they really needed.  Their kids were young at this point, so quite game to go along with whatever mom and dad proposed.   Not knowing what to expect this family turned the calendar page to February.  Lots of conversations ensued with their kids, discussing whether they really needed an item or was it just an “I want it.”  Was it easy – no; did they learn lessons to last a lifetime – yes.   Here’s an example of one:

Towards the end of one February Jenny was grocery shopping with their then 7 year old son.  On their way out of the store, her son spies a Beanie Baby display.  Now he had been searching for a specific Beanie Baby to no avail, and there it was, right in the center of the display.  He wanted it so bad and the begging started.  Jenny reminded her son that it was No Spending Month.  So he tried another tact – would she bring him back next week (then it would be March) and he would buy it with his own money?  Jenny looked at him and said yes, she’d do that.  What he said next startled Jenny.  Her son looked at the Beanie Baby and then looked at her and said “I won’t want it next week, will I?”

“No,” said Jenny, “you probably won’t.”   Hugs ensued and a good conversation about money and how waiting sometimes helps us decide what we really want.

Next week I’ll share the rest of the conversation with Jenny and what her family has learned with No Spending Month over the years.

Sometimes saying No isn’t just about candy bars and new toys. Sometimes saying No is about the tough stuff, when a parent can just feel that something is not right. This happened to two parents who after reading the book No realized that their high schooler’s behavior had changed dramatically over the past 5 months. He went from spending a lot of time with a good group of friends and playing sports to spending many hours of his day in his room in front of a screen. He was completely immersed in video games.

They knew for their son’s sake they had to take control and put some limits and rules around his video game play. They had to say “No”.  They did and his outburst and strong reaction was a measure how important his virtual world had become. What these parents quickly realized is that they needed outside support for saying No to their child and quickly sought the help of their school counselor. Saying Yes to No involves the tough calls, when your child will not at all appreciate your job as a parent. That’s why part of the Say Yes to No campaign is the conversations between parents, supporting each other. Sometimes, though, don’t hesitate to turn to your school counselor or other professionals for help.

I wondered how the No message would resonate with my audience in Duluth this past Wednesday. I stood there facing the members of the Juvenile Officers’ Association. These are the police officers who work with our youth, mainly in schools. They were representing our larger cities and school districts to the small towns and communities across Minnesota. The dedication of these women and men was overwhelming. So was their concern. 

These officers, from rural communities, small towns and cities, see student behavior problems growing more serious and more frequent each year. Law enforcement can only do so much in our schools. We can keep adding metal detectors and police officers – but this is not the solution. That is why these officers reacted so positively to the message of No. But even more welcomed was the message that so many parents and teachers across Minnesota are reading the book, going to workshops, and starting the conversations about how we are going to teach our young people the character traits they need to be successful. For these officers, in particular, teaching kids to say no to themselves – to manage their own behavior is a major part of the solution.

The snow was gently falling. It was cold, but over 500 parents showed up at the New Ulm Middle School for their county and school district kickoff for Say Yes to No.

A group of parents came from as far away as Ortonville, Minnesota, a three and a half hour drive. And why did all these parents show up? Because they understand the importance of No for the success of their children. They wanted to learn more and talk with other parents about how to handle the challenges of raising kids in a “yes” culture.

An early childhood educator from Madelia, Minnesota related her experience with a Say Yes to No book discussion group of pre-school parents. As soon as the parents were assured that there were no right or wrong answers – that the purpose of the group was to share and discuss ideas from No and their own experiences, the facilitator could not get them to stop talking. Everyone had stories to tell and questions to ask.

Book discussion groups are popping up all over. Beginning next week all the pre-school and elementary school teachers in New Ulm will take part in No book discussion groups led by their school administrators. Soon after, the parents will start their discussion groups. How does a culture change? One parent and teacher at a time, talking and beginning a conversation about what a child really needs for success – self discipline and the ability to say No.

Sometimes a Monday morning makes you pause. Today is such a day. We honor the memory and work of Martin Luther King, Jr. Our culture is moving forward at such a breakneck speed, it can jolt us to think about someone whose life was so imperative that it changed the people and the country in which we live.

We’ve started a movement here in Minnesota that will soon be reaching parents in other countries as well. Within the coming year the book No will be translated into seven other languages: Korean, Spanish, German, Chinese, Dutch, Japanese and Portuguese.

Often a parent will ask “Am I the only one concerned about the Yes pressures in today’s culture?” Indeed one of the major impacts of the Say Yes to No campaign is the conversation that starts between parents in schools and communities. 

Well, now we know that you are not alone. Parents in many countries and cultures are also concerned and hopefully the conversations between parents will begin in Spanish speaking countries and communities, in Germany, Korea, Brazil, mainland China and other Chinese speaking countries, along with Japan and Holland. Parenting tactics that work are helpful in any language. Success for kids is important in any culture. 

It’s more important than ever before that we equip our kids with the character traits they need to be successful in school and in life.   Saying No when we should leads to that success.

Sometimes we wonder if our kids are listening. Here’s a snippet of a conversation between two middle-schoolers from Winona Minnesota: "Is your mom going to the No! Dude tonight?” “Yeah, is yours?” He answered, "Yup she’s going to hear the No! Dude too...”

Those moms joined over 600 other parents and educators who kicked off the Winona Say Yes to No campaign at Winona Middle School last Monday night. An amazing partnership between the school district, the PTA and the area Masonic Charities energized the community. The Masons, with the work of Clarence Russel, gave away 500 No books to parents. Book discussions were scheduled and sign ups were available through the PTA, Community Education and several local churches.

Our kids are listening:

Lori Ortega, PTA chair, worked tirelessly and shared this story: She told her eleven year old daughter that she had watched enough TV and it was time to turn it off and do homework. Her daughter wanted to watch more TV.  Mom said, “No.” The daughter stomped off saying, “You’re so Mediawise.” Mom smiled to herself and said,

“Yes, I am.”

But any successful kick-off event is just the beginning. Winona Superintendent Paul Durand ended the evening by saying, “Let conversations begin.”

We’ve had quite a few discussions around the table with our grown children on the latest research on the use of praise. They really keyed into the difference between just telling kids they are “smart” versus praising kids for real effort. One last interesting bit of this study found that smart kids who were taught that their brains were muscles which get stronger if they think hard and exercise them, actually achieved at a higher level than comparable kids who were just told they were smart. 

So, how should we praise kids?

1. Praise the effort more than the ability. Instead of “You’re really smart,” say “I like the way you stuck with that math problem.”

2. Praise should be specific rather than generic. Instead of “You’re good at math,” say “You did a good job on your multiplication tables.”

3. Praise should be sincere. Kids know by the age of seven when praise is insincere and they begin to believe the opposite. “I must be a really bad hockey player if they tell me that I played a good game.”
   
   
4. Praise should be intermittent, not overdone. Intermittent praise activates the orbito prefrontal cortex of the brain, the motivation circuit.