Another word on the use of praise

We’ve had quite a few discussions around the table with our grown children on the latest research on the use of praise. They really keyed into the difference between just telling kids they are “smart” versus praising kids for real effort. One last interesting bit of this study found that smart kids who were taught that their brains were muscles which get stronger if they think hard and exercise them, actually achieved at a higher level than comparable kids who were just told they were smart. 

So, how should we praise kids?

1. Praise the effort more than the ability. Instead of “You’re really smart,” say “I like the way you stuck with that math problem.”

2. Praise should be specific rather than generic. Instead of “You’re good at math,” say “You did a good job on your multiplication tables.”

3. Praise should be sincere. Kids know by the age of seven when praise is insincere and they begin to believe the opposite. “I must be a really bad hockey player if they tell me that I played a good game.”
   
   
4. Praise should be intermittent, not overdone. Intermittent praise activates the orbito prefrontal cortex of the brain, the motivation circuit.

Prior Lake Kicks off Say Yes to No

Almost 500 parents and educators kicked off the Say Yes to No campaign in Prior Lake last Monday evening at the Prior Lake High School. In my talk I focused on the real secret to kids’ success: helping kids gain self-discipline. Self-discipline is twice the predictor of school success as intelligence. It’s all about giving kids what they need to succeed and how parents and educators can help them with future success.

One parent related how “I have to get better at saying No to myself. Kids have never been as good at listening to their parents. They are good at copying their parents. I often take the easy way out: going out to eat when we can’t afford it and impulse shopping for things that I don’t really need. I realize that my kids are learning from what I am doing.”

This parent has realized the fallacy in the old saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” Kids are perceptive and their first and key role-models for what is really important in the world are their parents. Our culture constantly pushes instant gratification, take the easy way. Role modeling No when it is important for ourselves is key to our kids success.

How to Praise Your Kid for Success

Last week I reflected on the use of praise, specifically that telling a child that he or she is smart, can lead to unintended effects on children’s behavior. A series of studies showed that children who are often praised as “smart” may become cautious learners, attempting new tasks only if they feel they can accomplish them. The goal for these children becomes maintaining their label of “smartness”, not building an internal sense of ability, self-discipline or desire to tackle new tasks.  

But my instinct as a parent is to praise my kid when he or she is doing well, or maybe even when they are just doing anything. If I tell them they are smart often enough, they’ll be smart won’t they? What I realized is that my smart praise reflected the fact that I wanted them to be smart – it made me feel good. But does being “smart” give kids the tools they need to be successful? No. So how can I praise my child and help them build the internal character traits they need for success? Two ways stand out and maybe you will have more ideas. The first is to praise a child’s effort. “You worked really hard to finish these math problems.” Or “Wow, you stuck to this project.  Tell me about what you did.” The second is to help your child see that getting something “wrong” isn’t a signal to stop, but just a signal to try or find another solution. Help them not to be afraid of failure. “Yes, you spelled three words wrong on this paper, how could you figure out the right way to spell them?”  “Yes, these geometry problems are hard. What’s your plan for figuring one of them out.”  “Way to go!”

Praising kids is important. Praising kids to build the character traits they need for success is even more important.

Self Discipline = SUCCESS

An interesting article landed in my inbox today: “How Not to Talk to Your Kids” by Po Bronson (New York Magazine, Feb.12, 2007.)

From its title I thought I would be reading about parents who tear into their kids at every turn, nagging or belittling. But then the sub-title caught my eye: “The inverse power of praise.” and I knew I was seeing an article relating to No, self-esteem and self-discipline.  
But what could be wrong about praising kids? If we tell them they are smart and intelligent, won’t that make them feel good about themselves, leading to increased self esteem and success? In No I talk about the three myths of self esteem, the 2nd of which is “Self esteem = feeling good.”

In case after case, study after study, the author found that praising kids for being “smart” led to kids who did not achieve, who were not successful. These kids avoided challenge and only attempted a task if they already knew they would succeed - behavior that affirmed what parents were saying to them: that they were “smart”.

I will continue to explore these ideas in future blogs because how we talk to our kids to build real self esteem and their ability to delay gratification directly affects our kids’ ability to achieve and build success for themselves.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The first days of the New Year always feel special. As I discarded our old calendar yesterday, I marveled at how busy we were in 2007 and how much happened over the days and weeks. Our new 2008 calendar was given to us as a Christmas present by our god-daughter and her husband. They brought a new baby into our family circle this fall and their calendar was a celebration in photos. Little baby Nathan is much like a New Year – full of possibilities.

Our god-daughter, Claire, and her husband, Evaristo have read No and plan to make its strategies part of their parenting for Nathan.  They also plan to be Mediawise parents and follow the American Academy of Pediatrics advice not to let Nathan watch TV during his first two years. We’ll start filling in our 2008 calendar soon with more activities and events, I’m sure. Nathan’s days are filling up also – with wonder and delight, language, play, and solid connections with his parents and the rest of us in his extended family.

Best wishes for the Holiday season! 

With the holiday season upon us and the New Year just a step away, I wish I could send a personal greeting and holiday wish to each and every parent, teacher, staff member, administrator and community member who has been a part of Say Yes to No.  What a movement we have started.  Stories of parents re-claiming “It’s OK to say No.”  have been overwhelming.   Empowering is the word many parents use.   Children will, in the end, receive the biggest gift – the gift of self-discipline.  Success in school and in life is the watchword in Say Yes to No.  Thank you for giving this gift to your children.  

We are looking forward to the New Year.  Lots of Say Yes to No kickoffs in 2008.  We’ll do our best to share the stories and pass along new ideas.    Until then, have a wonderful holiday, and enjoy your kids and family gatherings.

Parents helping parents.

In this season of giving as the wrapping paper flies, and gifts are exchanged we can forget that sometimes the most helpful present is just our “presence” for each other. Words of support and experience go a long way to relieve a worried parent. Sharing parenting strategies that work helps give a parent a new direction. Discussing and clarifying values and character traits that you wish for your child is easier when you can listen to other parents grappling with the same ideas.

The parents at New Prague Middle School have discovered this and done something about it. After their No book read, they set up an interactive blog. Busy parents do have time to check in on-line and share, react, respond to each other. Ideas are batted around, questions answered, opinions sought and given. Parents supporting parents is key to changing the Yes culture that our kids are surrounded by. The No parenting strategies work, but they work better when parents are in conversation and sharing ideas with each other.

Thanks to New Prague Middle School for the idea of an interactive blog.

Another kid story to pass along about the (grand-) parenting power of No. 

A proud grandfather shared this story with me. His 5 year old grandson found the No book on their coffee table. He picked it up, curious about the cover and held it out to his grandma and asked “Can you read me a story?” Grandma looked at him, smiled, opened the book No and began to read the first page – the story of the young four year old and the Target melt down.

The grandson loved the story and their chat together about the “gimmies”. He now calls it the No Book, and wanted to take it home so that his parents could read him more stories. Needless to say the grandparents gave him their copy. But they found they had to buy another copy because at their grandson’s next visit, he asked for another story and chat from the No Book.

Saying No when we need to is not always easy, but kids continue to teach us that it’s the right thing to do.