How to Praise Your Kid for Success
Last week I reflected on the use of praise, specifically
that telling a child that he or she is smart, can lead to unintended effects on
children’s behavior. A series of
studies showed that children who are often praised as “smart” may become
cautious learners, attempting new tasks only if they feel they can accomplish
them. The goal for these children
becomes maintaining their label of “smartness”, not building an internal sense
of ability, self-discipline or desire to tackle new tasks.
But my instinct as a parent is to praise my kid when he or
she is doing well, or maybe even when they are just doing anything. If I tell them they are smart often enough, they’ll be smart won’t they? What I realized is that my smart praise
reflected the fact that I wanted them to be smart – it made me feel good. But does being “smart” give kids the tools
they need to be successful? No. So how can I praise my child and help them build the internal
character traits they need for success? Two ways stand out and maybe you will have more ideas. The first is to praise a child’s effort. “You worked really hard to finish these math
problems.” Or “Wow, you stuck to this project.
Tell me about what you did.” The
second is to help your child see that getting something “wrong” isn’t a signal
to stop, but just a signal to try or find another solution. Help them not to be afraid of failure. “Yes, you spelled three words wrong on this
paper, how could you figure out the right way to spell them?” “Yes, these geometry problems are hard. What’s your plan for figuring one of them
out.” “Way to go!”
Praising kids is important. Praising kids to build the character traits they need for success is
even more important.
